Why 103????

...13 days have gone by. Now 10 hours and 35 minutes into a Friday that haunts me. Driving my SUV down 47 in route to Waubonsee to my science class.  I pick up my phone... "Tracy, my chest.  It feels like I'm having a heart attack.  It hurts to breathe."  She asks me if I have taken my medications.  I respond no.

This was my first Friday back to school since my brother had died. He was 27.  He was my best friend.  He was my second best friend to pass.  My mother had died 3 years earlier. 

In class I start to panic. I question what was happening, turning to Tracy for answers.  I go into shock.  I see my brothers body on the floor by my instructors desk.  Tracy pulls me outside.

I call my doctor, I go in.  The pain I feel is not a heart attack, but in fact a broken heart.  In which is very painful, physically.  I must go on with the grieving process.  This just may kill me. Somehow...

"I'm here for you.  I love you" - Jen
I know she is.  She's my person.  NO words need to be said and she knows.  She has held my hand since he passed.  I should let go.  Or should I??? I let go, and too early.  Bad decision, yes terrible.  Though a little piece of who I truly am comes to surface even though I cant see this. My soul takes charge and I find myself in Jens' living room.  

    make every bad event into a learning experience.  you can only become     enlightened if you go through the struggle. learn from this...


How I got there and what I initially said is unclear.  It doesn't matter.  I know Jen held on to me.  I wasn't stable.  I went there because of fear.  Fear of myself.  I knew I wasn't going to live through the night.  I was so lonely.  I missed his laugh, the deep belly giggle that forced you to laugh. I missed picking him up.  I missed dinner with him each night. I missed the way he said Brooke.  He played with the kids every day.  He played with the neighborhood kids. I missed my mom enough and now to have more of my heart ripped from my chest.... I missed my brother and I was going to be with him.  Decision made. 
 Jen sat me on her couch.  Sat next to me, our legs touching.  It was evening. I cried. 
I spoke, Jen responded " You can't go anywhere.  You're not done here yet." So matter a fact. Simple words. To this day I wonder how she felt inside.  Did her heart race? Did she question if she was too direct? You will not die so let us move on. I should have had a millions thoughts or maybe not. I mean I did go over there with a plan she had only an insight to.  Instead I felt her soul engulf mine.  I'm at ease.  I can and will live.  Conversation went on and as she held me she said something along these lines " lets make a pact, lets live to...103!"  We have our reasons.  And those belong to just Jen and I. 
Comfort did eventually come.  It doesn't get easier but is a learning experience. I try.  That is all that matters. Jen and I remind each other 103 baby! And that was just us. 
I get a message just the other day, from Jen. " and you are the inspiration..." I am speechless.  Those are strong words.  I read this message walking to the parking lot at work. I became dizzy.  I became proud.
Club 103 holds incredible meaning.  It's a gateway to an opportunity to allow me to heal.   To make a vow that I am deserving of this life and as hard as life is and just how horrible it can be; take that and learn.  Teach others.  Be an advocate.  Suicide is a way out.  When that door you may have thought was shut, opens many for those left behind. Doors in which are not life lessons meant for the survivors.  Those were doors I now refuse for my children to stand before.

103 HERE I COME!!

* If you are feeling or have thoughts that suicide is your only answer please contact the very caring and non- judging people at Suicide Prevention Services of America at 1-800-273-8255.