Best of Ankeny Craigslist: Bicycle Beats Fathering Kids, Break Dancing in a Pancake House

Oh, grab a paper sack, stop your hyper-ventilating and calm yourself down. It’s only a bicycle.

OK, it's not just any bicycle. It’s allegedly the greatest bicycle the greatest city on Earth, the greatest of the great planets in the universe, except possibly Uranus, because that’s how humor rolls on Craigslist.

Seriously, this is stinking genuis:

“What makes this bike so much better than every other bike that has ever been pedaled? Glad you asked. It starts with the paint scheme. It looks like Iron Man if Iron Man were a bike. That's bold, son. Curb appeal.

"It's probably also why some piece of trash stole the front tire that originally came with this beauty. Why didn't he steal the whole bike? Because he knew he wasn't man enough. That's OK, I replaced it with something that looks even more boss. The next thing is the genuine leather seat. ... But it's got those swanky brass rivets so I can't stay mad that it smashed my prostate and has likely rendered fatherhood impossible. But let's face it, I'd rather have have a bike than a kid.

“What else? Let's talk about that three speed in-the-hub, fixed-gear transmission for a second. It's as gnarly as it is exotic. Like the tropical, saw-toothed platypus. Which is a species that doesn't even exist. …”

Around the Patches

Do you have the prescription in Johnston?

In West Des Moines, he was so taken with her that he did a little break dance, right there in the restaurant. (That’s something you don’t see every day, at least not in a pancake place.)

As if that weren’t identifier enough, he had the ultimate breakfast and his date – big red flag – had an omelette. He says she’s “just a friend” but she “likes” him” so he didn’t ask the server out. This seems like a lot of drama. Patch  would  be tempted to spill pancake syrup on the floor the next time he tries to express himself in dance. So last year.

Also in West Des Moines, would you buy this line?

A helpful smile in every aisle? Or stalking? More of the same in Urbandale.

In Waukee, he better have a driver’s license.

In Ankeny, less is not always more when it comes to information. There’s a line between too much of it and not enough and this post isn’t anywhere near it. But this one is over in the next township, or in this case, military base.

Miscellaneous Missed Connections

This is a compliment, Craigslist style.

Mikey and CC, sitting in a tree …

Hot girls in lust ...

Advice to the Lovelorn

Yes, it will get better. But you have to stop wallowing in it, first. Don’t turn into these people. One more time: Stop wallowing.

Move on, please.

Here’s how.

Finally, someone poke Patch’s eye out with a stick, please.