Dave Clark's Guide to Making an Apology (BLOG)

Every time a high-profile person steps to the microphone to issue an apology we sense that everything they say is more “spin” than a heartfelt desire to be accountable for their actions. Often it comes across as shame that they got caught rather than an admission of wrongdoing. One example is when Lance Armstrong repeats the refrain that if he’d have gotten away with it had he not returned to the sport after his initial retirement.

Celebs are coached by high-priced PR firms and attorneys to sound repentant, but admit nothing. They brought us the well-worn refrains of “I’m sorry you were hurt” and “I’d like to apologize to any who were offended by my comments” and “Mistakes were made.”

Passive apologies that do not take full responsibility for the offense and admit regret over actual wrongdoing are for show, not for seeking forgiveness. So prevalent is the fake sincerity and pseudo-apology that we we’ve grown jaded and automatically assume insincerity on the part of anyone who gets into trouble. Lord help anyone who is actually sorry and wants to turn their lives around--no one will  

Unfortunately the fake public apology has bled into ordinary discourse. By modeling our apologies and confessions off of what we see in public, we’ve found a way to avoid accountability to our families, friends and coworkers.  

What happens if--er, when--you do mess up?  We all make mistakes, we are all sinful creatures. How does one make a proper apology that truly seeks forgiveness and reconciliation?

When Sorry isn’t good enough.

Several years ago one of my daughters punched the other daughter. My wife, Dayna Kinkade, told the offender to apologize, which she did with as much regret as one can muster when you are being forced to apologize. The daughter who got punched responded, “Sometimes sorry isn’t good enough.”  I knew intuitively that she was right, but what else needed to be said and done to atone for the offense?

Five Elements of a Proper Apology

1. Say you are sorry. It does begin here and it must be sincere. If you are not truly sorry, then this article is not for you.  These words must be actually spoken out loud and not implied. Without these words the offended parties are going to have a hard time forgiving you. You must also ask for forgiveness, but remember forgiveness is a gift, no one owes it to you.

2. Recognition of harm. When someone causes us damage, we are very interested in knowing that the offender realizes the impact of his or her actions on us. Be specific. “When I came home late without calling, I ruined your evening by making you anxious and afraid of what might have happened. You may have even questioned if I take you for granted by not being more considerate.”

3. Emphasize respect. Our emotional triggers get squeezed whenever someone does something to harm us. Our need to feel valued, appreciated and cared about go to the core of our self-identities. When someone’s actions touch these nerve-centers we react strongly. This is why their anger over your offense may seem disproportionate. “Why are you so upset that I put the toilet paper the wrong way on the role?”  Because it wasn’t really about the toilet paper. “I spend a lot of time making things work around here and I’ve told you about this before and you just ignore it as if what is important to me is just silly to you.”  The issue isn’t toilet paper but about feeling respected.

When possible set your actions in a larger context to help depersonalize the offense. “Not only did I forget to call you, I forgot to call a major client, too.”  Sometimes our actions were not intentional at all and merely the backfiring of good intentions. While emphasizing how you do respect someone, it permissible to set the context and talk about how unintentional things happened, but they cannot be the excuse or an avoidance of complete responsibility for your actions.

4. Restore balance. An offense disrupts the equilibrium of a relationship. If you damaged someone’s car, fix it. But make it better than before. Yes, I will fix the car, but I’d also like to get it detailed for you. Let me make it up to you by watching the kids while you go out on Friday. The key is to do whatever you can to fix what you’ve done.

5. Your plan to prevent this from happening again. When we’ve done something wrong, we erode the trust of a relationship that takes time to earn back. It doesn’t come automatically. They wonder, “Will he do it again and again?”  Therefore, you need to show what you are going to do to correct the problem. Perhaps you can make changes in your routine or read a self-help book on whatever problem you had that led you to do something that you regret. Take a look at what was going on for you emotionally when you did the offense and recognize that that emotional state is a warning sign and you’ll know now to pay attention to it.

accdocpastor.blogspot.com