Got the Valentine's Blues? Has Your Relationship Lost Its Spark? (BLOG)

Extraordinary relationships are not the result of good luck, great chemistry or convenience. Rather, there are laws of love -- skills that need to be practiced and applied -- that determine the level of fulfillment that people experience in their marriage or committed relationship. Anyone can stay married. The question is … How can you stay happy?

1. HERE'S A TRUTH TO ACCEPT:

What is true in all relationships, whether they are romantic in nature or not, is that we experience fulfillment to the extent that we are personally fulfilled.  Relationships are not a path to fulfillment. They are a playground, a place for our fulfillment to play.

It is becoming more common knowledge that our fulfillment does not lie in anything outside of us -- not in the better job, the sexier partner, the faster car, the next degree or certification. Those things are nice, and are worth striving for if you wish to have them, but believing that they will cause you to be fulfilled is like feeling hungry and then duct-taping sandwiches to your body. It won't matter how many sandwiches you tape on... you've got to cure that hunger by feeding your insides.

2. HERE'S AN ATTITUDE TO ADOPT:

There is an interplay of masculine and feminine in all romantic relationships that relies on its polarity in order to maintain attraction. Like magnets, the stronger the polarity, the stronger the attraction; the weaker the polarity, the weaker the attraction. In other words, we all have our natural tendency -- a strong feminine needs a strong masculine in order to maintain her attraction for him, and vice-versa. The issue is that in our society today we have lost the strength of polarity.

It's tough out there for both genders -- men are often required to be sensitive and nurturing and are then either criticized for not being "man enough" or for being insensitive jerks when their masculine shows up too strongly.

Women, now a powerhouse in the workforce and in the home, have to somehow "man up" to be taken seriously in the boardroom and are criticized for being uncaring and called "bitch" for behaving from too much masculine energy. Or, they can easily be passed over for not being cut out for the job, sometimes seen as incompetent or lacking leadership if she is "too feminine" (nurturing, compassionate, gentle etc.). Bring this home to the family roles and to the bedroom and is it any wonder we have so many issues with each other?

The good news is becoming aware of your polarity and learning some ways to return to the balance that is natural for you, and learning to help coax that out of your partner, can absolutely re-invent the ho-hum relationship that has lost its spark into one that is full of love, passion and playfulness. We can see the need for the return to this polarity through our popular culture. There is a reason so many women have been drawn to things like 50 Shades of Gray, Magic Mike, and the recent boom in the popularity of activities like parties that sell lingerie and bedroom "toys" and even pole-dancing classes. This may sound like good news to men (or perhaps bad news depending on your position on these things), but barring any valuation of good or bad, what this is, really, is a call to action.

You don’t have to tie her up and hold her body hostage to “own” her. Most of us don’t actually want to be tied up, tied down or controlled (although, yes, some really do, but you’ll have to go somewhere else to talk about that). She does, however, want to be CHOICELESS, as in... you have made yourself irresistible to her and she just couldn't possibly choose anyone else. She wants to experience your masculinity and your passion.

She wants to look at you and know in her soul:

You find her irresistible, you worship her femininity for all that it is, and you let her know it with that strong but soft voice sharing loving, passionate words or with that look from across the room or that strong arm around her that says, “Let go, Girl. I gotcha and I’m not going anywhere." This is what I mean by “choiceless.”

You’ve created the conditions with your loving masculine energy aimed at her so strongly that you've become irresistible. Her feminine desires are so strong for you that nothing could convince her to do anything but let go and surrender to your every desire and unleash all of her own. (Wow- what would that be like? Do you remember her like that?... ) She can do this because you’ve made it safe for her to do this. She can let go because she knows you won’t hurt her. But this doesn't usually begin in the bedroom... it begins in the kitchen and in the problem-solving and in the planning... (And when that happens, she can even follow your orders around the bedroom, because you have already shown her that she is safe and cared for and can relax, and she therefore wants to share that with you).

That is the call to masculine to step back into his polarity, so that feminine can let go and step back into hers-- because right now she feels like she has to be in charge of everything, and that causes her to step into too much masculine. (That may or may not be "true" but, Guys, women are feeling that these days -- misguided perception or truth -- that is what you are up against).

And that's not her preference. She wants to be able to depend on her guy, but until she believes he's going to take over something, she's not going to let go of that death grip she's got on the steering wheel of that relationship vehicle.

So, Men -- here's my permission to be guys. Just do it. Recognize that every "bitchy" comment or nagging or worry and anxiety and fear that shows up is your call to action. Step up and rock her world. The good news is, no matter how strong your woman is, she will appreciate your strength in the end, so that she doesn't have to be the "strong" one all the time.

Strong feminine requires a strong masculine, not an emasculated one. As difficult as it may be to see if you're really dead-center in an out-of-balance relationship-- the stronger she is, the more she needs you to be stronger. The bad news is, if it's been awhile (or never) since you've been "that guy", she's not letting go of that wheel for awhile, until she's tested you a little.  Keep trying. She's looking to see if you'll stay the course.

So ladies -- especially all you strong women out there (a-hem... that would be ALL of you) -- there's the key thing here: You have to let him. Give him back his cojones and give him a chance to step up, all he needs is a chance. And yes, it takes two. He does have to step up -- and if he's trying, you've got to let him.

He needs to know you believe in him, support him, admire him, and that you trust him to handle it. You know, things happen, you may have legitimate reasons to mistrust. Maybe he does, too. If you're not happy, it requires both to step into your responsibility in this thing and let go a little (or a lot). Not so sure how to get there? I can help with that, but that's a case by case deal, and you'll have to call me.

3. HERE'S SOMETHING YOU CAN DO: Now, I promise, I will NOT be using this blog to promote my events ALL THE TIME... but this one is perfect for right now, and if you've managed to read this far, you might be interested:

I'm conducting a 5-part Workshop Series for Couples who are not sure if they are ready to fix their love relationship or leave it. Based on my training and certification in Strategic Interventions for Divorce Prevention and Relationships Counseling through Robbins-Madanes Training, I've adapted this workshop for use by all couples -- straight or gay, married or dating. You can attend any separately, or pay for the whole series at a deep discount. To register: http://julesgreen.com/services/workshops/

Registration deadline for part 1 is Thursday, February 14. (That's a great day to give a gift, by the way).

Here are the dates and topics: 

Workshop 1: Back from the Edge: Rekindling and Creating Everlasting Love.
February 16, 2013. 10am – 1pm

Workshop 2: Surviving Relationship Storms: The Importance of Regaining Trust.
March 2, 2013. 10am – 1pm

Workshop 3: Rekindling Intimacy: The Power of Connection
April 13, 2013. 10am – 1pm

Workshop 4: You Come First, My Love: The Power of Alignment
May 11, 2013. 10am – 1pm

Workshop 5: Up-Leveling Your Relationship: Surviving Betrayals to Deepen Love and Compassion
May 25, 2013. 10am – 1pm