What Not to Do to Friends

A friend in need is a friend indeed. If you want to be such a friend, and sustain your friendship, here are ten things not to do:

1. Don’t give advice. Advice really is cheap, and more often than not, wrong. And in today’s culture, advice is something another could sue you over. “You told me to do that...therefore what happened is your fault.”

2. Don’t counsel, but care. Be fully present; listen with the ear of your heart as well as head. Get involved, but don’t sit back and pontificate. The answer needs to come from the other, with your affirming assistance. Your caring presence is sufficient to make a difference in the other’s life. Make suggestions when asked, as long as you make sure the other knows they are only that. Then you won’t feel so bad if the other rejects them! Beware of telling the other “I told you so!”

3. Don’t be self, but other-centered. Recognize and accept that your primary purpose is to draw out the other rather than to draw in the other. When others feel you care for them, they are more likely, not only to share things about themselves, but to seek to learn more about you.

4. Don’t predetermine the agenda. Don’t meet the other with a fixed set of questions and issues to discuss. Beware of your expectations; things may not go as you thought you wanted them to. You would be focusing on what you wanted to see happen, and could experience frustration if that failed to materialize. It matters far more who you are with than where you are at. Let the focus be on being together and sharing; let the agenda unfold naturally between the two of you. Seek to draw circles around rather than lines between you.

5. Don’t patronize or put down. Don’t be deceptive in any way. Don’t appear to agree with the other if you do not – it is usually better to let something pass by you in silence. Use discretion. Under no circumstances belittle or disparage anything the other says. Agree to disagree, even if only you have made that commitment.

6. Don’t assume responsibility for the other. Ultimately we must all take responsibility for our lives. Help the other to take responsibility through your firm believe in him or her, and through your expressed conviction that the other can indeed do what must be done.

7. Don’t push or coerce the other. You came to listen and care, not to take charge and direct. If the other should seem to want your direction, beware, you might become an “enabler,” prolonging rather than helping resolve the situation. Help others to help themselves.

8. Don’t argue or manipulate. You are there to be a non-threatening presence. If a disagreement or argument should ensue, change the subject, saying, “Let’s talk about something more enjoyable.” If the other persists, say “I didn’t come here to offend you.” Then move on.

9. Don’t take on the other’s burdens. You have enough already, and seeking to assume the other’s weight won’t help either of you. You cannot lift the burdens of another; that person must let them go.

10. Don’t take the other personally. Everything the other says is self-reference. The person is telling you more about themselves than you.