Best of Johnston Craigslist: Death-Ray Parts, Haunted Grinder, Will Trade Mustang for Brain Surgery

Before we get to those woebegotten Craigslist daters, a word of warning: Down south in Missouri, someone wants to give away a collection of death ray parts. Bring minions. They’re heavy.

Okey-dokey.

And there’s this any aluminum foil user can relate to, and this offer to trade a 2006 Mustang for brain surgery to remove or suction out an egg-sized cyst. Poor sucker tried to get at the cyst, located behind the right eyeball, but has “been trembling and had too bad of a headache to attempt any solo surgery.”

And some folks in Wisconsin want to give away winter. Don’t we all?

Is your coffee grinder haunted? This one is. Despite the drama, it apparently makes a fine cup o’ joe.

We don’t make this stuff up. They do.

Around the Patches

Granny love in Johnston. Also, what color was your motorcycle helmet andwhat color was your swimsuit?

In Urbandale, he was too tired, dirty, cold and hungry to talk. But have a wonderful life.

Don’t forget to thank your nurse in West Des Moines, where being helpful earns extra points. And pickup (as in big ol’ truck) love.

Apparently, this dude in Waukee is proud to be a homewrecker. And this guy is desperately seeking Nicole.

A chicken in Ankeny was too infatuated to speak.  And this guy would’ve, if she’d only taken her eyes off her phone.

Around the Metro

You protest too much. This is rampant jealousy run amuck. And these grapes are so sour, the face might freeze that way.

Masochist much?

Again, masochist much?

Take this advice.

He got her goat.

And remember, love stories don’t always end happily.

Craigslist Poetry

And finally, a poem from the dream weaver.

I think I saw you in my sleep, darling,

I think I saw you in my dreams you were

Stitching up the seams on every broken promise

That your body couldn't keep.

I think I saw you in my sleep.