Best of Johnston Craigslist: Iowans Aren’t ‘Corn-Husking Losers,’ Seeking Friends Who Aren’t Weird or Creepy, Normal Seeking Normal

Time was, we Iowans only had to worry about refuting the notion that we’re spud-growin’ losers. Now someone from Florida has the temerity to all of us “cornhuskin’  losers” to get out of the country.

Ta-da-ta-da-da:

“Iowa Does Not Suck” rides to the rescue.

No. 1, the Cornhuskers are Nebraskans.

No. 2, who the hell are you to call out an entire state and demand it secede because you don’t agree with one politician’s position?

Glad that’s straightened out. Now, go suck an egg, Florida. How’s that for Iowa Nice?

Let’s get this straight, too: He or she knows where you are and who you are, but isn’t ready to say how much he or she cares about you just yet because he or she is not the Craigslist posting type (all evidence to the contrary). Whoever you are, you’re an “oasis of laughter” and “light in the middle of it all” – whatever it is.

“But I want you to know, if you are thinking about someone and wondering if they're thinking about you too, they are.”

And then there’s a colon and parenthesis. Cute. :)

Speaking of knowing who you are, that’s good, because it’s hard to make heads or tails of this stream of unconsciousness: “Please come back to me. You know who I am. You know who you are.”

And speaking of nonsensical, what in the world is this person trying to say in “We agree in Wal-Mart and Casey Gas Station”?

Around the Patches

Carla in Waukee, some bad news for you; he still does not get it. (Two weeks ago, you’ll recall, Carla made it clear: Go. Away. Now. There’s a reason there’s no response.)

In West Des Moines, she still gets butterflies over her silver fox. Any reptiles or amphibians in this story?

No, just another mammal. Foxes must be trending?

Who needs mammals when a mechanical bull will make your after-prom party a bucking good time, Johnston? (It doesn’t seem to be your style, but who knows?)

In Urbandale, He misses looking into those pretty green eyes and wants to connect before it’s too late.

Celtics mom in Ankeny, how about a date? Take her on a road trip, and you might be able to get a deal on a butt pumpkin.

Normal Seeking Normal

Did we lead you to believe Craigslist is only a forum for the lovelorn looking for a date and creepy people looking to stalk?

It’s fun and games, too.

For example, if he said he saw it in your eyes, would you fill in the blanks?

Craigslist also has normal people seeking normal interactions, like this:

Normal guy who wears makeup but doesn’t want to look like it needs tips from other guys who wear makeup to look their best.

And then there’s the  new-to-West Des Moines DWF  is looking for normal platonic friends and is “NOT looking to meet anyone who is weird or creepy in any way.”

Before you apply to be her friend, you should know this (emphasis not added):

“No offense, but I cannot hang out with stupid people, people with criminal backgrounds, abusive, etc, etc. NORMAL ONLY. AND, if you’re married, I need to meet your spouse and have our friendship be ok if we want a friendship. I DO NOT condone cheating of any kind on one’s mate. I dislike drama, confrontation, etc,. am NOT getting myself into a bad situation, hence, that’s why I am single and enjoy my peace and life now since my divorce from a real jerk.”

Questions, Questions, So Many Questions

Which begs the question three of them, actually – about your cheating hearts.

Three + 17 more equals a new twist on the “20 Questions” game:

1. Do you drink?
2. Do you smoke?
3. Any tattoos?
4. What's the wildest thing you've ever done?
5. Any piercings?
6. Relationship status?
7. Do you have kids?
8. What kind of music do you like?
9. What was the last really good movie you saw?
10. Does silk or lace turn you on more?
11. How tall are you?
12. How often do you go out?
13. What do you do?
14. How old are you?
15. What was the last book you read?
16. What is your most common fantasy?
17. What are you wearing right now?
18. What's your favorite TV show?
19. What is your favorite food?
20. If you could follow a band on tour, who would it be?

One final question: Why lie?