Best of Johnston Craigslist: Iowans Don’t Sleep With Pigs, Confidential to Laura, Wouldn’t You Like to be a Pepper, Too?

If you’re one of those young professionals we’re always nagging at for leaving Iowa, are beginning your career in Chicago and don’t think you can swing those snooty big-city rents alone, here’s a “unique living situation” that could have you feeling like you’re back home in what the rest of the world thinks is Iowa.

(No, there are no potato hills in this story.)

A bit of warning: This "unique living situation" isn’t for everyone. Here’s one of the reasons:

“First, I have two pot belly pigs who will be an unavoidable part of your life. They are intelligent, sweet, and adorable, but they also behave like pigs and so anyone who lives here must understand how to interact with them properly.”

Proper interaction apparently means accepting that Franklin, the oldest, is a bully and wants to be alpha pig – a trade-off that may be worth it, if you love cuddling with a pig on the couch while you watch your favorite show.

Really, who doesn’t?

As you might have guessed, the roommate seeker does not eat pork. If you're interested, you probably shouldn't wear your Iowa farm favorite PETA - People for the Eating of Tasty Animals – tee-shirt.

Around the Patches

Weather forecast: Cold with a chance of hotness.

Looking for some league play in West Des Moines? And, no, it’s not softball. Baby, that’s a strike.

Also in West Des Moines, find love over tokens at Chuck E. Cheese and check out the scenery at Costco.

In an Urbandale neighborhood, questions about whether a bridge over troubled waters can be rebuilt. “I just wanted u to know I think of u everyday and still love u.” Cute. It’s like a  little text message.

And then there’s this: Love on the Adel side of Waukee.

The Craigslist Dating bonanza is in Ankeny. Boys and girls, his is the place in the metro to hook up on a missed connection.

Lovely Laurens in Ankeny, you both work with “a lot of guys,” so he admits he probably has no chance. He’s just a normal guy with a crush. On both of you. Would he give a Linda a chance?

Missin’ that lovin’ feelin’ in Ankeny, but at the same time hoping to find someone better. Which begs the question: Did you mean me?

Also in Ankeny:  What’s for breakfast?

Which brings us to food love, not to be confused with the concoctions foodies love, at least not ostensibly.

Onions? They brought you together, and then you made her cry.

Burger King? You might get a magic flower.

I’m a Pepper. He’s a Pepper. Wouldn’t you like to be a Pepper, too?

I'm a Pepper, he's a Pepper, She's a Pepper, we're a Pepper, Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?

Advice to the Lovelorn

Apparently, there are many missed connections because people are so walled up they can’t say how they feel. But know this: Don’t go scaring him off by announcing you want to have his babies.

As Janis Joplin sang back when some of you Craigslist posters were not even gleams in your hippie parents’ eyes:

“I hope there's someone out there who could tell me / Why the man I love wanna leave me in so much pain.”

Confidential to Laura and Dirty Laundry

Throw the bum out. You have people who care and you don’t need him. Tell her more. What is your agenda?

And then there’s this:

There are names for people like you, says the wife of 14 years. Homewrecker is one of the nice ones.

You’d think that might be the last word. But that almost never happens on Craigslist. Are you talking to me?

Questions for the Ages

Who knew she could be so girly?
Why fight it?
Has anyone seen Prickly?

Doctor, Doctor!

And finally, if you can’t breathe, call a paramedic. Is he talking about dating, stalking or completely shutting down? Unsolicited advice from Patch: Run, dearie.

Quick encounters. You only made eye contact, for a split second, but it felt like, you know, a connection. Or were you rudely staring at some defect?

But, hey, it ended well:

“Just wanted to say thank you, whether you noticed something wrong or if you were attracted to me for some reason which I cannot figure out. It was a huge boost to my self-esteem, I have been working hard for over a year to better myself and that moment made every second worth it.”

Cool.