Best of Johnston Craigslist: Possessed Drawers, Lost Clothes, Turkeys and Imagery for Return of Lost Mind

Two things ...

First: Did you lose your clothes on Interstate 235?

Second: Don’t care who you are, this is funny:

“Lost: One Mind (Ankeny): I seem to have misplaced my mind recently, I have some instructions if you come across it. Please note I think it may be at the local Walmart, and as it has become slightly fragile and reclusive. it may be handing in a dark corner and will undoubtedly try to evade you at all costs. I would like you to chase after it screaming its location at it until my body stumbles along to retrieve it. That usually works. As I'm short on money the reward is photos of turkeys and or imaginary...”

There’s Never an Exorcist Around When You Need One

The only possible question about the following is:  Bitter much?

Don’t mess with Texas exes. Their drawers are possessed. We’re talking about a chest of drawers, of course. What did you think?

The dresser is made of oak, not loathing and hatred. All it needs is a little TLC - not years of therapy or Daddy's approval. It’ll store clothes with no emotional baggage or – Patch is missing the analogy here – snack cakes.

Snack cakes?

So you’ll need an exorcist. Details, details.

But we’re not talking about a chest of drawers here.

Love and Angst Around the Patches

There’s nothing like springtime for love. Get a room – which is exactly what they should have done.

Somewhere near Johnston, the country boy with a nice, big ol’ truck  told a lie.

In Waukee, she’s not outdoorsy, but might do a little fishing; loves dogs but is allergic to cats; and isn’t interested in cheats, liars, married men or other insincere people.

In West Des Moines, stolen memories, and not in a be-still-my-beating-heart way. But this is. Also, the brakes weren’t the only thing squealing. Finally, If she blocked you and you keep finding ways to contact her, it’s called stalking. I

In Ankeny, a red-headed stranger made a visit to the credit union worthwhile. And this guy may have to apply for a loan there if he keeps ordering pizzas.

Cupid’s arrow – tattooed on your forearm perhaps? – hit the Target in Urbandale. That wasn’t the only big wow moment.

All this waxing pathetic is too much for this person, who seems to be channeling Pee Wee Herman. I know you are, but what am I?

What was that situation with the girl you were hitting on that didn’t go anywhere?

She’s not Ronald Reagan’s daughter. What does that even mean?

And then there’s this stream of unconsciousness that makes Patch want to poke her good eye out with a stick.

Is this creepy?

Nine, Nine 9, it’s a win-win.

Outpost Iowa

She’s serving 35 years at Mitchellville. Is that a deal breaker? And then there’s this: Who knew Mitchellville was the love capital of Iowa?

In Altoona, knowing coffee is a date icebreaker.

In Knoxville, looking for another chance.

Somewhere east of Des Moines on I-80: Hmmmm.

Don’t People Talk Face to Face Anymore?

This is one of the more normal things on Craigslist, though as Pee Wee Herman pointed out, why not just say it to her face? He promises to get sweaty and weak at the knees and leave a love note on the bathroom mirror every morning.

It’s sweet. Really. No sarcasm. OK, maybe a little.

But not as sweet – and by sweet, Patch means diabetic-coma-inducing sweetness – as this.

Pee Wee, what do you think about this?

“ ... the best guy I have ever met and that will neber change.” Oh, please,  let that be a typo and not a case of lubbing him berry, berry much.

This person just had an urge to tell total strangers on Craigslist, causing wishful thinking on the part of another.

A Poem to AD from RR

I hear you still talk to me

As if you're sitting in that dusty chair

Makes the hours easier to bear

I know despite the years alone

I'll always listen to you sing your sweet song

And if it's all the same to you

I love you oh so well

Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow

I love you oh so well

Enough to fill up heaven, overflow,

Love you oh so well.

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