Best of Johnston Craigslist: Will Trade Belly-Button Lint for Harley

Craigslist isn’t exactly the last bastion for elegance and taste.

This proves it, and it reminds your correspondent of living in a house that had been subdivided  into apartments many years ago.

Two gentlemen – and that term is used generously – living in the building scoured the lawn each morning for cigarette butts that might have been thrown on the ground. This seemed to be a fine public service, an example of environmental stewardship that should be celebrated.

But no, that wasn’t it at all. They were collecting these butts for their craft project. They planned to glue them together into little log-like houses.

Ew, right? Read on. Double Ew.

These gentlemen have perhaps moved to Baltimore, where they’re collecting belly-button lint that they’d like to trade for a muscle car, a Harley Davidson, rifles or rare coins.

Good luck with that.

Around the Patches

Were you thumbing a ride near Urbandale?

In Ankeny, a terrible idea, no doubt, and apologies if it’s out of line, but there was something about you …

Also from Ankeny, oh, you sexy mama.

In Waukee, you had him (or her) with your smile.

To West Des Moines worker: Nice hair in Goin’ Postal has an admirer Goin’ Crushin’. And in Valley Junction, she’s thrilled as peaches that spring is here. Really.

This is possibly creepy. He doesn’t have her number, but knows she lives on a gravel road.

Outpost Iowa

For the record, mean people stink, and these folks in Pella may qualify. But on the other hand, the bass on the stereo in your obnoxious red car was just as obnoxious. No one was impressed. “Was it really necessary to leave your car door open while you were inside paying to force everyone to listen to that noise?” Fair question.

In Osceola, you caused a heart to jump. Someone’s. Don’t know if it was a man’s or a woman’s, or if a defibrillator was needed. Need more information.

Which is exactly the point made in Carroll.

In Colfax, you made someone’s day.

In Indianola, you may still love Weezie (really?) but, hon: Get. A. Grip. This  self-absorbed wallowing is too much, even by Craigslist standards.  You’ll want to poke your  own dang eye out with a stick after reading this.

This Week’s Soap Opera (as if Last Item Didn't Count)

“I screwed that up.”  One can only imagine. Yes. You. Did.

Then for pity’s sake, say something. “If this person is truly your Angel in life and means so much to you have you poured your heart out to her and not just on CL ? Don't assume they know because you may be letting something slip away that you will regret for the rest of your life and that wouldn't be good . You have to at least try tell them your thoughts and more show them your feelings actions do speak louder than words.”

Etc.

You’re just a sentimental and pain-filled dude.

For all you Jakes out there, this should clear things up.

How’s about I loves you ‘til I’s dead – or set this to music for a good ol’ cry in yer beer song, whichever occurs first.

I told you on the day we met

I was gonna love you 'til I's dead

So if the ties that bind ever do come loose

Tie them in a knot like a hangman's noose

Cause I'll go to heaven or I'll go to hell

Before I'll see you with someone else

Put me in the ground

Put me six foot down

And let the stone say:

Here lies the girl whose only crutch

Was loving one man just a little too much

If you go before I do

I'm gonna tell the gravedigger that he better dig two

Well,

It won't be whiskey, won't be meth

It'll be your name on my last breath

If death ever do us part

The coroner will call it a broken heart

If the ties that bind ever do come loose

If forever ever ends for you

If that ring gets a little too tight

You might as well read me my last rights

Heavy stone right next to mine,

We'll be together 'til the end of time

Don't you go before I do

No matter how far or what's torn us apart..You'll always have my heart!!

Must mean it. Double exclamation points. Throwing up now. That is all.