Best of Johnston Craigslist: Betty White Fantasies, Pulsing Clavicle and Two Romantic Devils (One About to Pay Big Time)

If you think the world ended when “All My Children” was cancelled, you’ll love this week’s Craigslist excerpts from Johnston and the Des Moines metro area.

Alleged Homewrecker: “He stays with you for the kids. His heart belongs to someone else. So you are under the same roof miserable. He does not love you and hasn't for a very long time. So sad to live that way.”

Alleged Long-Suffering Spouse: “I'm sure it makes you feel better to ‘believe’ that. You've no idea how he looks at me each night. Nothing but love:)”

Alleged Homewrecker: “If he loved you he wouldn't need anyone else. Enough said. Sorry, but the only one you're fooling is yourself.”

Semi-Amused Eavesdropper: “First off I want to say I'm not 'the other woman,’ but the back and forth has been amusing to read. Whomever blamed 'the other woman' should realize the 'man' is equally to blame. What’s more as his wife knowing he has another woman, you perusing Craigslist to air your complaints says many things. One being the big factor is insecurity, so that automatically says he’s done it before. Not only that but you admit you know, and you keep him.

“If he needs to masturbate, says his sex drive is either higher than yours, or he prefers his hand to you, and saying some 'skank' is just like masturbating well there are toys you could get him to help relieve him. Otherwise in your bed is going to be some STD he’s brought home to share with you.

“A real woman knows her value and wouldn't put up with a man who strays. A real man wouldn't need other women because not only does he love the one he has but she takes care of his sexual needs.

“So, while your posts have been entertaining, grow up! Both of you. Deal with it in the real world, and to the wife ,take your blinders off and stop with the excuses for your sleazebag of a 'man.’ “

Around the Patches

“Wearing My Heart on My Sleeve” in Ankeny, “everything happens for a reason” and a bunch of other cliches. You still take his breath away and he remembers your pulse vividly beating from your clavicle. Romantic devil, isn’t he? Who doesn't want to hear her clavicle is dancing?

But not as romantic as this person who got everything else from a guy who works in West Des Moines, but missed getting his number. It’s urgent.

Unrelated, Patch presumes, but this guy from West Des Moines is just too sexy for his Jeep. If that woman on your arm ever messes up, she wants to be your backup plan.

In Urbandale, it seems restroom meeting at the mall might lead to mutual mauling. He “thought u was hot.”

Face-Palm Posts

Save this cat from himself. Somehow, a rescue cat managed simultaneously to be “Basement Cat” and “Ceiling Cat.” Talent? How about a cat that speaks all 37 dialects of Felinese and can sing? There are strings attached to “two impressive testicles.”

Save a horse – wait for it – ride a cowboy.

Or spend the night with Betty White.

What?

Until next week, remember that what happens on Craigslist never stays on Craigslist.