Johnston Parents Learn To Address Grief, Spot Signs of Suicide

Johnston parents are now a bit better equipped to spot the warning signs of suicidal thoughts and depression after a meeting Tuesday evening.

More than 200 parents filed into the Johnston Middle School auditorium to hear from two professionals on how to deal with their child's grief after two Johnston students committed suicide over the weekend.

"It was extremely helpful," said Peggy Rasmussen of Johnston. "As a parent it's difficult to know what to do because it's not something you've dealt with before."

Two 15-year-old boys, one a Johnston High School student and one a Johnston Middle School student, died in unrelated suicides, authorities said. Cameron Carico, a ninth-grader, died Saturday morning, while Spenser Nelson, a 10th-grader, died on Sunday night.

The hour-long meeting included strategies on dealing with grief from Lora Rogerson, Des Moines Public School district coordinator of grief teams, and signs that a child might be suicidal from Jeff Kerber, director of Iowa Health Employee and Student Assistance.

The meeting also allowed parents to ask questions of the professionals.

Dealing with Grief
Children of various ages deal with grief in different ways, said Rogerson, who has been on hand since Sunday to help students and staff deal with the aftermath of the deaths. 

"The number one thing I can say is just be there," she said. "Just to listen. Your student may talk, talk, talk, or they may not say a word."

Children may also be waiting for a parent to ask them how they feel or what they think, she said.

Always Tell the Truth
"We have to tell our children the truth," Rogerson said. "The truth that we know."

When dealing with suicide, the question of why will always be there.

Kerber said this is a natural response from those affected. 

"It's instinctive," he said. "Listen to your child, let them chase their tail long enough to get tired rather than speculate or brainstorm."

For Susan Hayes, the why question has been difficult to grapple with.

"To hear him say to let them chase their tail, we try to fill in the gaps," she said.

"Let them but steer them back to what you can control."

Getting Back to a Routine
Rogerson said a routine is one way for a child to feel protected.

"It's important as time goes on that a child start to get back in a routine," she said. "A routine provides a connection for kids."

Superintendent Clay Guthmiller said district leaders discussed keeping students in school Wednesday rather than proceed with an early dismissal.

"We decided to stay with a routine," he said. "That includes early dismissals. Maybe tomorrow would be a good time for parents to spend with their children if possible."

Grieving Process
Grief has no time limit, Rogerson said.

Accute grief can last one to three years.

"Kids move in and out of the stages (of grief)," she said. "Next year, when it's late January you might see some behaviors."

Talking to children about the incident can be the right way to deal with an anniversary.

Depression and Youth Suicide
Kerber laid out statistics related to suicide and youths, including that 10 percent of the eighth-grade students who responded to the Iowa Youth Survey reported they attempted suicide one time. That equates to nearly 3,780 students.

"Those are startling statistics," parent Peggy Rasmussen said.

Johnston eighth- and 11th-grade students will take part in the same survey on Feb. 16, Kerber said.

One of the biggest warning signs that a person is suicidal is depression.

Parents should be aware of certain red flags:

• increased or decreased sleep
• a change in interest levels - often no interest in past activities, general erosion
• guilt - awareness they feel this way
• loss of energy - most often down, having no gumption to get out
• a loss of concentration - difficulty focusing
• an increase or decrease in appetite - a significant change from normal
• psycho motor disturbances - physical signs of depression such as the entire body slowing down
• suicidal ideation - preoccupation, but not depressed

What Parents Can Do
"Be aware," Kerber said. "There is never a bad time to call a professional. If you're worried, do something."

Don't make a child feel invalid.

"That's easy to do," Rasmussen said following the presentation. "By telling them it'll be better tomorrow, you invalidate what the child is feeling."

Kerber said by saying things like that, a child might hear that as "you won't help me either."

Don't Be Afraid to Ask Kids What They're Thinking 
Parents must be unafraid to ask their children if they are thinking of killing themselves, he said. "Be able and willing to listen. Then get help."

If a child is in imminent harm, do not leave them alone, remove all lethal means and call 911 or go to the emergency room, he said.

Hayes said she was glad to hear professionals urge parents to keep tabs on their child's phone or Facebook page.

"Teens feel violated when you want to see their phone or Facebook," she said. "But you're being a good parent. I don't know what I would do if there were comments my child made and I didn't research. They can be as pissed off at me as they want, I'm still going to do it because you might miss something crucial."

Counselors will continue to be available at district schools this week, including after school is dismissed on Wednesday.

"It's been a very sad, a very difficult week in our school district," Superintendent Clay Guthmiller said. "The grieving going on is tremendous."

Resources for parents and community members with questions about youth suicide and prevention can be found here.