Crime Problem: Solved.

Yesterday I wrote that there was nothing we could do to stop crime in College Park but let the police do their job.

I have been pondering this stance, which I probably should have done before I typed it up and plastered it on the Internet. I realize now that there is something the common citizen can do to help the crime problem, a cause everyone can get behind.

Vigilantism.

Everybody, this is your call to action. It's time to strike some fear into the hearts of the criminals of this town -- pick up some Red Bulls, because we're going to be pulling some all-nighters. If enough insidious mugger-folk get clobbered trying to rob people, they won't have a choice but to quit. Quit or get CLOBBERED.

First, you'll need a costume. Even if you're sweet at martial arts and have a gravelly voice, everybody's always scarier with a costume. Rambo's got the white tank top and red headband -- would he be as scary wearing a sweater vest? Get a costume.

Then you have to get good at fighting-related things. Not just hitting people, no no. Priority one is smack talk. Why go through all the trouble of actually rumbling with a robber if you can just insult his relatives and tell him how stupid his shoes are?

"Them's some stupid shoes, hombre," you'll say.

"Whoa whoa, take your wallet back," he'll say. "I don't want any trouble with you. Especially since you're wearing that red head band."

Next, get some bait. If you've been reading the crime alerts, you should have the formula down: drunken undergrad walking by himself down a dark road at 3 a.m. waving his iPhone around. Get somebody to do this for you, and wait in the bushes. When the accosters show up, KAPOW! You've got 'em. Lay on the smack talk and teach them a lesson.

It might not be a strong deterrent the first time, but after getting pounced upon twice or thrice by red-headbanded do-gooders that hate shoes and growl a lot, those criminals will think again before bothering College Park denizens.

Oh, that's the other thing. Growl a lot. And point at things with your index finger often. They're classic intimidation techniques. If you can, you should also probably grow a moustache.

University Police and Prince George's County Police are fighting crime in College Park, but they can't wage the psychological game we can. It's practically our civic duty. So go out there, put on a headband and hide in a bush. There are lives to be saved.