The One Where the Criminals Don't Even Have To Try

OK. Can we chat for a minute about this attempted robbery from Saturday? If you haven't read about it yet, it's pretty simple. It was 11:30 p.m. People were asleep in their apartment. Nobody locked the door. Some guy waltzed in, "seemed to be searching for electronics" and then got scared off when the people woke up.

I am glad nothing got taken — no one deserves that. Well, I'm sure somebody deserves that, but not for just forgetting to lock the door. It sounds like they got off really lucky, too. These guys were obviously pros. Do you know how hard it is to "seem to be looking for electronics"? It takes years to get that rooting-around-in-someone-else's-stuff maneuvering specific enough that people can tell from a distance, in the dark, seconds after they've woken up, that you're looking for their iPod and not their Rolex.

But I don't want to blame the victims. It wasn't they who did anything illegal, and they don't deserve anybody putting it on them that there are scummy robber folk afoot. But ... well, we're going to blame them a little bit anyway.

SERIOUSLY?! First of all, they were asleep at 11:3o on a Saturday night? I know, I know, maybe they're real people, with real jobs and a responsibly justifiable lack of sleep. I can appreciate that. But if you're old enough to have a job and a car and your own DVDs, you're old enough to figure out how to lock your front door.

It's not like they lived in this massive estate with all these little nooks and crannies and some super-slick criminals found a vent with a loose catch. It was the front door of an apartment. Any time a real news article has a subhead that includes the phrase "police urge residents to be vigilant about locking their doors," something has gone stupid.

Stay safe, my little reader-babies. I don't want you getting robbed. But to be sure you stay safe, I've put together a list of safety procedures for you to keep in mind:

1. LOCK YOUR FRONT DOOR.

Take care, everybody.