Trail Heads: Golf Without the Silly Pants

Editor's Note: Yes, I realize that I normally write this column, but here's the problem: I don't like disc golf. I don't even like the words that comprise "disc golf." I tolerate regular golf for the goofy hats and the post-game martinis, but I find the game itself soul-crushingly dull.  As for the "disc" portion, well, I just don't like discs, OK? I prefer spheres. So for today, I relinquished this column to someone who might have more substantive thoughts about disc golf than just "Yuck."

The ancient Greeks gave us a lot of good ideas, like democracy, the Pythagorean Theorem and gays in the military.  However, it was American ingenuity that made these ideas great.  We took the label of democracy, slapped it on our republic, and proceeded to turn the institution into a tedious screaming match between myopic partisans concerned only with surviving the next election cycle.   We took the Olympic Games and added clothes and politically-motivated boycotts.   And, of course, we used the Pythagorean Theorem to build the atomic bomb and win World War 2.  Thanks, ancient Greece.

One of the many things we've cribbed from the ancient Greeks is the flying disc. 
I'll be referring to "discs" throughout this column, not to pretentiously associate myself with the well-oiled Greeks of antiquity, but because "Frisbee" is a registered copyright of Wham-O, Inc. and using the term can be dangerous.  If you do not believe me, go in the bathroom, turn off all the lights and say "Frisbee" three times into the mirror.  Five to seven business days later you will receive a politely worded cease-and-desist letter in the mail.  My cousin knew this guy that totally did it.

With all this in mind, I set out to explore the Calvert Road Park Disc Golf course.  You can find the course at 5258 Old Calvert Road.  Look for the sign at the intersection of Paint Branch and Riverside Avenue.  Alternatively, you can take Kenilworth Ave and turn directly onto Old Calvert Road.  It is one of the few disc golf courses accessible by Metro and is a short walk from the College Park station.
 
The course itself was opened in the early 80's making it one of the older courses on the east coast, and while some of the hole-maps could use replacement, the course hides its age well.  It is impeccably maintained and its relaxing, shady atmosphere is enjoyed by many of area residents, like Dan and Shelley Thessen of Beltsville, MD.  Dan described the course as "a very flat, easy – sort of an intermediate, short course."  Shelley added that "it's a great beginner course – you can't get in trouble – there are a couple of holes where you can lose your disc, but it's real easy to recover."  The Thessens compete in regional disc golf tournaments own a rolling cart designed to support their massive collection of drivers, mid-range and putter discs.  Standing before them using a disc designed for another sport entirely, I felt shame I have not experienced since I got pantsed during a snowstorm.

The course, despite being near Paintbranch Parkway, is suprisingly quiet.  The trees, while not so dense as to significantly raise the course's difficulty, are numerous enough to block sound and provide plenty of shade, which makes the course an enjoyably short walk through the woods in all seasons.  If you look up, you might even get to watch a single engine plane coming in for a landing at the nearby College Park Airport.  Don't try to hit it with your disc – that's just immature.  If you do get your disc stuck on top of a plane, the airport sells a variety of discs, because why wouldn't they?

The course is predominantly flat and not as heavily wooded as courses I've played on in my home state of Arkansas, where most metropolitan areas are heavily wooded and controlled by cartels of wild boars. This makes most holes on the Calvert Road course a test of whether you can throw your disc in a straight line.  The short length and relative ease of the course mean you can complete it with a group in around an hour and a half.  Alone and unloved, you can complete it in a mere 36 minutes.  Beware, however, as the diminutive size of the course also means that it has to double back and intersect itself repeatedly, like an epileptic snake, in order to fit 18 holes.  Combined with maps that aren't always clear about hole location (they're often not visible from the tee) and I found myself throwing my disc the wrong direction on more than one occasion. 

For players clever enough to throw in the proper direction, each hole has two or three different tee boxes from which to start, adding challenge for more advanced players and replay value for even casual players.  However, even if you manage to find the goal and hear the satisfying sound rattling the chains like you were Jacob Marley, it can be difficult to determine where the next tee box is located.  First-time players may want to come with someone who has already played the course to act as a guide. 

Don't know anyone who's played the course before?  No problem.  Mr. Thessen recommends Calvert Road Park's Tuesday night doubles game as a "great experience for someone just learning the game."  Arrive at the park at 5:30 pm, pay $2 into the prize-fund and you'll be randomly paired with another player for the chance to win the collected bounty.   Don't worry about dragging your team down, as both players throw, then the team chooses the best shot as their location for the next throw.

If you'd like to get a closer look at the course via moving pictures, you can watch Jeremy Ginnever explain the game and generally make me look like a spastic idiot and check out a YouTube video of other players on the course.