Hide the Batteries

Scanning through my Twitter feed on Sunday afternoon, I spotted a retweet of a story by the CBS News’ Sunday Morning show. The tweet called out to me about “A rare island of serenity, thanks to the FCC: 13,000 sq. miles where cell phones and WiFi are banned.”

The story went on to tell me about a town in West Virginia where cell phones are banned in the “National Radio Quiet Zone,” where radio and Wi-Fi frequencies emitted by things like iPhones and Blackberries and Androids would interfere with sensitive government equipment trying to pick up on noises coming from space. As a happy coincidence, this quiet zone can be bliss for people who are bugged by cell phones and the obnoxious way many of us wield them.

While cell phones aren’t the bane of my existence, I can relate to the idea of finding solace in quiet places. As I write this, our two young children are napping and the house is briefly peaceful. But it’s much different when they are awake and every toy they own is talking as loudly as they are. Because we have kids, our house is home to many toys that chirp and chatter a soundtrack to our waking hours (and one pull-string operated doll who somehow, unassisted, manages to recite soliloquies in the middle of the night).

And so, as one of the governing bodies of our home, I would like to declare a 1,600-square-foot Quiet Toy Zone, effective immediately. I would even compromise and reduce this quiet zone to include only the living room, which also serves as our small townhouse’s de facto play room for Lucy and Isaac. The following toys are henceforward to remain outside of the Quiet Toy Zone:

• The Wiggles guitar. This was a hand-me-down from a friend whose daughter is now 6. I don’t think we’ve ever changed the batteries and yet it keeps on singing about fruit salad and some guy named Jeff who needs to wake up in time for a show. We’ve never watched the Wiggles on TV, so we’re fuzzy about all the things they’re going on about. And now I hear the band is effectively broken up, so perhaps this toy is now a collectible that will fetch top-dollar on eBay.
• Mickey’s Mouse-Ke-Tag. I bought this Mickey Mouse-themed game for the kids only a few days ago and I kind of regret it already, even though they love it. Goofy’s voice calls out instructions on how to tag the characters’ plastic figures and it’s annoying enough when Lucy, who is 4, plays with it according to the directions. But it’s much worse when Isaac carries what amounts to the Goofy Broadcasting System around the house while pressing random buttons.

There are a couple other toys I’d like to put on notice, but let’s face it: The household quiet zone is a fizzy daydream anyway. For now, I’ll just plan on getting my quiet time in during my long