Talking to Kids About Death

I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned before that my mom died suddenly when I was eight months pregnant with Lucy. It’s nothing I’ve ever hidden from my daughter – following a therapist’s advice for my own mental well-being in the months after my mom died, I’ve always talked pretty openly to Lucy about my mom.

I will mention her briefly and happily now and then when the moment seems fitting. Like after dancing together, I might mention to Lucy that her Grandma Mary loved to dance. Another time, I might talk about how the used to belong to her grandma and that she would think it was pretty cool that we were now bombing the beltway in it.

Lately though, Lucy has started to bring up her mythical maternal grandmother on her own. Saying things like, “I’m making this picture for Grandma Mary so she’ll feel better – you can give it to her when you see her again,” which of course I am not, but doesn’t seem to understand that aspect of death. Begging the question, do I start to tell her more about how we are all inhabiting this world on a temporary basis, and if so, when and how? It would be easy to simply say, “Ok, will do! I’ll definitely give her your beautiful picture when I see her next time” and end the conversation right there. But it seems like that goes beyond the edges of a white lie and into major cover-up territory that could make things even more confusing and upsetting down the road; I certainly don’t want Lucy to think that we are keeping her away from her missing grandma.

I think the wheels started turning in her busy brain when her other grandmother’s pet bird died a couple months ago. We explained to her that Gabe the bird wouldn’t be at grandma and grandpa’s house anymore when we visit, and sometimes she seems to understand what we mean. But the next day, she might ask, “Where’s Gabe?” And we start the conversation from the beginning once more.

So, what am I supposed to say? For the most part, I go with repeating the simplest version of the truth each time she asks: that her grandma had an accident and died right before . I might add that it was pretty sad and that I miss her and she would have loved to meet Lucy and her . I guess my plan is just to inch along as she does, doling out slightly more information in step with her as her questions escalate, doing my best not to scare her. What do you say to your kids when this question comes up?