Negotiating for Love

The following is a guest blog entry from Laura Boteler, a friend of Jason Humm's.

My new boyfriend keeps asking me why I was still single when we met. After taking the opportunity to stroke his ego by telling him I was waiting for him, I begin a diatribe about the lack of negotiation skill in the men I dated previously. While my friends swooned over romantic proposals that included hot-air balloon rides and scavenger hunts, I dreamed of lazy Sunday afternoon debates about marriage law.

Now, I’m not talking about the kind of marriage law that requires a man to provide goats to his bride’s father or that determines the number of husbands a woman can have, but rather the law of our marriage. That is, what we each hope to get out of the relationship (besides the goats for my dad, of course). I think negotiating for love in the beginning may save some of us from negotiating “His” and “Hers” in the end.

Think about it, we negotiate with potential bosses for jobs, salesmen for cars, and our families for who gets to host the holidays; I’ve even seen people (unsuccessfully)negotiate with their toddlers and pets. And, yet, we are afraid to ask for what we want in what is arguably the most important relationship of our adult lives. Sure, there is a contract established during the actual wedding ceremony. She promises to love, honor, and cherish him; he promises to love, honor, and obey her. All for better or worse, etc. But that’s it.

Can you imagine accepting a job where you agree to come to work and the boss agrees to pay you, for better or worse? No way, we want details! We want to know what we have to do and what we get in return. Yet, so many people refuse to negotiate in their most intimate relationship because they have their priorities mixed up (“We’ll talk about that after we discuss your new workout routine; an hour/hour and a half of cardio should be enough to reduce your risk of Type 2 Diabetes.”), they’re too easily distracted (“Sure let’s talk about that; oh, wait, Ghostbusters is on again.”), or they’re just not interested (“I think maybe we should just be friends; you’re kind of intense.”).

So now that I’ve found a guy who will negotiate with me, here’s my list of guidelines. If you don’t like them, I’m willing to negotiate.

1. There are no trophies. There are no winners in a negotiation, and no one gets to drink beer out of the Stanley, Smith, Lee, or [enter your surname here] Cup until next season. To put it simply, if there is a winner, then there has to be a loser. If, in the end, someone feels like the loser, then the negation isn’t over. This leads me directly into #2.
2. Take your time. There are no shot clocks or delay-of-game penalties in negotiations. We have time to listen and consider what the other person is saying. It also means we can call a time-out, do something else, and come back to it after we’ve had time to consider the other person’s opinion.
3. Play doubles. Negotiating is not a solo event, nor is it a team sport. You’re playing doubles; for those of you who are counting, that’s two. “Your mother said…,” “My brother thinks…,” “Last week on Dr. Phil…,” “When my ex and I used to…,” are not valid arguments, period.
4. If you want something, ask! This seems basic, but it warrants a mention. If you hate going to the grocery store, tell her. Maybe she loves it but hates scooping kitty litter (because it’s gross). Before you know it, you’re scooping cat poop rather than suffering the horrors of touching raw meat in the grocery store. Everyone wins.
5. Consider all the options. Someone’s not going to be happy with Plan A, and no one likes Plan B. But keep at it; Plans C, D, E, etc. can’t all suck.
6. Avoid being a teenage girl. When emotions get high, it’s easy to slip and say something nasty that everyone will regret. It’s okay to be emotional, but don’t be mean. And for heaven’s sake, don’t call your friend to talk trash as soon as your partner falls asleep or goes to the bathroom.
7. Keep your eye on the prize. Remember why you started dating in the first place. Forever is a long time to wear the rose-colored glasses of love, and you’re eventually going to have to buy a new car…