What Makes a Good Pizza?

Pizza is probably one of the most ubiquitous foods known to man. And because we are all intimately familiar with it, we each have our preferences. That’s not quite what I’m going to talk about here. I don’t want to get into the best kind of pizza or what toppings should or shouldn’t be used (though, pineapple on a pizza is probably the second worst thing I ever put in my mouth). I’m not a NY- vs. Chicago-style pizza person. To be honest, I don’t even know what the difference is. I think one comes with a bad accent and an attitude, but I’m not sure which one.

For me, a good pizza comes down to two factors. The first is the crust. A good crust must stand on its own as an oral experience, regardless of the rest of the pizza. Think of a slice of pizza as a first date. The pizza itself is all the stuff that goes into a date. The bottom crust is the overall feeling you get from the other person. Too greasy and you’re (hopefully) turned off. Too crispy and burnt, and well, just not a good thing. The toppings and cheese are all those small pieces of a date: the funny waiter who comes over and tells you about his pet iguana; the conversation; the fact that the other person doesn’t even know it’s a date. All these things can be great, but when you get to that end-of-date oral experience, it can quickly just turn to a pile of crap. I’m talking about the kiss. (If you were thinking about something else, please e-mail me the names of the people you are dating!). Just as the kiss can either seal the deal or get you maced, tazed, or otherwise humiliated, so too does the crust make or break the pizza-eating experience. I’ve gotten through plenty of pizza slices fully satisfied and happy only to be turned off by too much tongue.

The second and probably most important factor is how good the pizza is cold. Plenty of pizza is great fresh from the oven, but few are as good or better as cold leftovers. Going back to the date comparison, cold pizza is that point where the initial heat has settled down and you find yourself in an actual, adult relationship. It’s not as intense and lustful as it once was, but it should still be as satisfying or even more so. The same goes for pizza. Day- or two-day-old pizza should stand up as a great cold breakfast on the go or a comforting midnight snack after you wake up from a nightmare about mountain men hugging your mother.

How do you judge a good pizza?