I Survived OfficeMax at Back-to-School Time

One of the first real jobs I ever had was at the

As a 17-year-old, I spent a summer and most of one fall roaming the aisles of the big office supply store, helping customers find their favorite pens, climbing shelves to locate boxes of paper, and occasionally trying in vain to convince someone that a certain desk was made of real hardwood and not particle board. (He was buying neither my sales pitch nor the the desk.)

It was not a bad job. I learned a lot about how retail worked, and it was better than flipping burgers. I earned $5.75 an hour, which gave me enough money to pay for gas and go to the movies with my buddy Greg nearly every week. (We saw far too many terrible movies in the summer of 1996)

For the most part, it wasn't a difficult job. But when back-to-school time came, it was an insane asylum.

By mid-August, we were assaulted by parents and kids arriving with school supply lists in hand. We'd help them fill their carts with spiral notebooks, binders, retractable pencils, markers, construction paper and three-hold punches.

Sometimes, the parents would simply yell out the contents of their lists, and we'd sprint around the store grabbing what we could find. If finding things in the aisles of OfficeMax was an Olympic event, I'd be the Usain Bolt of the sport. Even to this day, I can walk into a big office supply store and be out in no time. (Also, if I am ever on Jeopardy! and one of the categories is "Trapper Keepers" I will dominate.)

Us poor OfficeMax workers would spend the early part of our shifts filling one aisle with three-ring binders, taking special care to face the spine outward and line them up with great precision. By the evening, that aisle looked like a scene from Mad Max.

Pity the senior citizen who simply came in for a replacement typewriter ribbon.

One the day before schools opened, we had nine cash registers open and the lines were still to the back of the store. One assistant manager had the bright idea of handing out rolls of transparent tape for free as a gesture to those who waited so long. Such generosity.

On behalf of the poor employees of OfficeMax, Staples, Target and similar stores, I urge you to get your back-to-school shopping done sooner than later. If you're picking up items 10 hours before school is set to open, don't expect it to be fun.

And be nice to the 17-year-old who's tracking down that binder for you.

Do you have a back-to-school shopping horror story?