Proactive Parenting

I have developed a series of Meet and Greets for parents in order to provide a regularly scheduled and structured format for sharing thoughts and ideas.  Carving out a time and place for thinking about parenting issues will support people in parenting proactively rather than reactively.

What is proactive parenting? Being proactive takes planning and consistency, neither of which is possible if one is reacting to situations on the fly.  Let’s examine a fictional example.  Heidi’s parents found out she created a Facebook account and they are making her take it down. Heidi is in eighth grade and really felt left out of the social culture so she went against her parents wishes and set up a Facebook page after being told she could not. Rather than discussing their concerns about recent media reports of cyber bullying with Heidi, and talking about ways to handle the complexities of online communication, they just say no.  This is reactive parenting.

How to turn this into proactive parenting?  If Heidi’s parents had openly discussed their apprehensions, rather than just saying no, they would have been proactive in helping her to problem solve and think about all of the possibilities.  In order to be able to thoughtfully consider the decision, Heidi’s parents need time, energy and support to be able to address the issue with a plan.  In reality, Heidi will develop much better coping skills if she feels a connection with her parents, open to discussing real life scenarios with them, and has some sense of autonomy over social decision-making.  Perhaps if Heidi’s parents initiated a mutually respectful conversation with her they might find that she has actually thought about her online persona, or that she knows more about privacy settings than her parents do, or alternatively that she needs guidance on how to manage a difficult situation.  With a plan in place, Heidi’s parents might feel more comfortable allowing her to develop an online presence, and Heidi can gain confidence in handling social conflicts. In addition, Heidi internalizes a sense of competence as she feels that her parents trust her judgement and her ability to ask for help if needed.

Hearing each others’ thoughts and opinions can help parents to think through their own positions and help them to stick together if they want to do something other than the status quo.  This month’s meet and greet will focus on technology. Let’s talk about how technology can become a parenting issue, and how it affects your role as parents.  Let’s examine if your biases and opinions about technology are based in facts or if they are based in fear or peer pressure.  Let’s figure out how to be proactive in parenting rather than parenting by the seat of the pants.

For more information go to www.ruthmigler.com