Q&A with Pro Comedian Jim Norton

Nothing was off limits last week during a phone conversation with professional comedian Jim Norton. 

The 21-year stand-up veteran has toured the country, carving out a niche for himself with his adult-brand of raunchy, no-holds-barred humor. 

I spoke with Norton last week on topics ranging from his career, his thoughts on the Occupy movement and the Penn State scandal, as well as his love life—or as Patch discovered, lack thereof. 

He is a New York Times bestselling author, a popular radio show personality and regular on late night programs like The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, The Late Show with David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel Live. 

Norton is headlining  this weekend. Read through our interview where we began by talking about returning to Baltimore for the first time since 2005 and his love for the HBO crime drama The Wire.

NORTON: “I know I haven’t been back to Baltimore since I started watching The Wire, which has been quite a few years or else I would’ve went to all the spots that were in the show, which I kind of want to do when I’m down there.”

Did The Wire scare you from returning to Baltimore?

NORTON: "No, no, no! It actually made me want to go there. There really wasn’t a decision not to. I’ve just kind of been between Philly and D.C. I’m not in a place where I can just cannibalize markets. I can only sell so many tickets. I’m hoping people come out this show.”

In your words, what is your stand-up all about?

NORTON: “Well I talk a lot about massages and prostitution and my own sexual deviance. It’s hard core. Some of it is very dirty. Some of it seems like it’s mean or aggressive. If you don’t like that type of humor, you’ll hate my act. I would say it’s funny, but it’s certainly not pleasant.”

 I’ve been looking at your Twitter account all day. I want to talk about a “tweet” you posted in which you say “I literally hate everybody alive right now.” Why?

NORTON: Yes. I was very cranky. I’ve been single for six of seven months and I’ve just had no luck. I’ve met a couple of girls in their late 20s, close to 30 and I was nice to them and I wasn’t being sexual or a creep with them and they’re just not really responding.

It’s fine if they’re not interested but it’s like what do you want? You should be a creep to women. I should just be texting pictures of my [expletive] to women. I do better when I do that. Like when I try to be nice I just get in these slumps. So I was just disgusted with everybody. I went through a deleting frenzy yesterday in my phone. I just deleted a bunch of people who were worthless. I kind of felt good about that.

What do you love most about stand-up? What keeps you coming back to it? It’s not an easy lifestyle to break into show business, but I think with stand-up you have that extra hurdle because you’re selling yourself. 

NORTON: The things I love the most about it are the complete freedom to say whatever I want and express any opinions that I want even if they’re wrong; the immediacy of the reactions that I get—I don’t have to wait six moths to find out what people think; and most importantly there’s always the shot you can [engage in a sexual act] in the parking lot. The third one I gave you is the most important.

(Laughter) I might have to censor some of this interview.

NORTON: That’s fine.

Tell me a little bit about your career. How long have you been doing stand-up?

NORTON: I’ve been doing it for 21 years. I started in 1990. I used to work in Towson, MD and I used to do this gig—$75 for the weekend. I started out at a bar in New Jersey and I was awful. I was way too dirty. I’m actually surprised I’m still doing it. It’s one of those things where I can’t believe I didn’t give up or drop out. I love the fact that I actually made a pretty good career out of it. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m doing OK.

Where do you want to be?

NORTON: I would love to have a good TV show. Louis C.K. is a great example of what a great comic does. He has his own show. He’s in charge of his own thing. He’s a more successful stand-up comic. I would like to be a more successful stand-up comic and have a show that I feel really good about that feels creative and original. And I'd like to do a third book.

Anybody who has turned on Comedy Central in the last five years knows who you are. You want to be a comedian in the higher degree, but I would certainly say if you enjoy comedy, people know who you are.

NORTON: I guess so. I usually feel like a monumental failure. I don’t feel successful ever. When a book first comes out I feel good. The same goes for the HBO special I did. But after a while you just start to feel like ‘OK, who cares? There are a lot of guys who have done that. What is separating me now?’ It is good to have those things, but you’re always look forward to doing the next thing.

The new Magooby’s Joke House comedy club is a challenging room. It’s a 300-person amphitheater, where the old room was a much smaller, more intimate setting. You’ve done shows across the country. What is your optimal venue?

NORTON: It’s hard to say. The best comedy club that I’ve ever been in, because it was a like a perfect square, was the Comedy Connection in Boston. It was just constructed perfectly to perform in. But sometimes I like a half-empty room to perform in. I can freestyle a little bit. I don’t have to stick to the script as much. It’s really hard to say. Sometimes a full house is by far the best. Sometimes a full house means that they’re really comedy club people who aren’t there to see me so they’re going to be more uptight.

Just when you think you have it figured out, you get to that situation and you’re wrong. There really is no clear cut scenario. I obviously love a full room though. When your name is on the marquee and it’s empty, it’s embarrassing otherwise. There is nothing worse than doing the late show and the waitress is just sitting there and she’s not making any money and she’s blaming you … and she’s not wrong.

You have a tour coming up. Can you tell me a little more about that? I believe it’s you, Dave Attell…

NORTON: … Artie Lange and Doug Stanhope. We’re doing the Borgata. [Tickets are still available for the Jan. 15 show.] It’s great to be out doing it with those guys.

If memory serves, I’ve seen you paired with Dave before on several different occasions.

NORTON: Last year, yeah.

Are you guys buddies? Do you gel well artistically? What drew you guys together?

NORTON: Well, both. I love Dave as a guy. He’s a surprisingly good guy to be in business with. He’s a smart dude, but he’s also brilliant comedically. I love working with Dave. Artie has been a friend for years and now that he’s out and doing gigs again, it’s great to be hooked up with him. Stanhope is a complete piece of [expletive] so it’s great to work with him. I love Doug.

I was going to say, of the four of you, I feel like Stanhope would probably take the award for most derogatory.

NORTON: Oh yeah. He’s a complete creep. But he’d be the first one to tell you that. He’s a great comic. … These people are all my friends. It’s nice to be out doing gigs with people that you actually like.

So what’s going on in your life? What do you have going on? What are you excited about?

NORTON: Just doing gigs. I’m shooting a special in March in Boston. Personal life is just kind of crap. I’ve just been getting a lot of happy ending massages because again I can’t find anybody to date. It’s been very frustrating, the dating scene.

Do you feel comfortable talking about current events? On Nov. 17 you wrote, “The irony of these dumb [expletive] protesters blocking the 99% from getting to work is so ironic that I wish I had a good example of irony.” What is your stance on the Occupy Wall Street protests?

NORTON: I liked them at first, only because I knew that they didn’t really have a goal or anything, but the people that I felt they were protesting, which are not just rich people but the corporate heads and bankers that took government bailouts and still got $30 million payouts for themselves—I kind of feel like those people should be dragged out in the streets, should be beheaded.

But when it came to just about protesting people with money or blocking real people from going to work, I just started to hate them. And then Michael Moore is down there on his stupid bullhorn and he just bought a $2 million mansion, which is fine. But I don’t like that they complain about people who have money just for the sake of complaining about people who have money. It turns out that the guy who was running the whole thing was staying at the $700 a night W Hotel in New York. It’s like, come on man, you’re phony.

On Nov. 18 you tweeted about the Penn State and Syracuse scandals asking your followers to come up with a creative name for a fictional bowl game between the two schools. (The original post can be found on Norton’s Twitter account. I can't reprint it because Patch is a family-friendly website.)

NORTON: Oh yeah (laughing).

Were you following this news story at all?

NORTON: How could you not be? It’s the greatest thing that has ever happened. I don’t know any of the players. I mean, I know who [Joe] Paterno is, but I don’t know any of the coordinators. But when you hear that a guy named Sandusky has been accused of pedophilia it just sounds right. It makes some kind of sense. That Bob Costas interview—really—I’ve never heard a worse interview. John Wayne Gacy’s paintings were less creepy than his answers on those questions. What a dummy this guy is. I personally feel he is guilty and I’m happy Paterno got fired.

So you’re going to be around town for three days. You said you were a big fan of The Wire. When you’re in town, do you have any plans to tour around Baltimore?

NORTON: I want to go down to where “The Towers” used to be. I want find out where Snoop lives so I can go hangout with her. I just want to ride around Baltimore to see where some of this stuff was shot because I love that show so much.

How are you feeling ahead of your show?

NORTON: I feel great. Every comedian that I know who has performed there, I’ve heard it’s a great room. It’s nice to be going into a room that comics like because then you know chances are it’s a good club. I’m looking forward to getting back there. 

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Jim Norton is headlining at this weekend. Shows are Thursday (8 p.m.) and Friday and Saturday (8 and 10:30 p.m., both days). Tickets are $22, plus a two-item minimum purchase.