Opinion: Same-Sex Marriage's Long Road Continues

Congratulations, New Yorkers.

Last week, the New York State legislature passed a law granting same-sex couples the right to marry, joining four other US states and the District of Columbia. There was much rejoicing in the streets. However, it might surprise you to learn that the gay and lesbian community is divided in the fight for marriage equality.

Improper Bostonian society columnist Jonathan Soroff has written an opinion piece about wanting legal protection for same-sex relationships (including his own) but he wishes we wouldn’t push so hard for the term “marriage” to define it. (For a completely different take, there’s this New York Times column.)

As much as I love Jonathan (or, at least, love seeing my name in his column) I can’t agree with his opinion. He makes a valid point that, if not forcing Americans to accept the term “marriage”, there would be wider acceptance of gay and lesbian unions. But, while these people say their opposition is based on the belief of marriage as an historic, religious institution, the truth is something darker.

Civil unions vs. marriage

Civil unions and domestic partnerships are not the same as marriages; for one thing, they’re different words. For another, they don't mean the same thing. Whenever someone from a state where there are civil unions says they’re married, I feel like using air quotes - Right, you’re “married”.

To suggest as some do that gays simply “write up legal contracts outlining all the same rights” is a ludicrous argument. The Government Accountability Office estimates there are 1,138 federal rights that heterosexual couples receive that are not available to same-sex couples; is a gay couple supposed to research every one of those rights in order to be protected? Oh, and another thing, why should we have to?

Marriage never mattered much to me. Terry (my partner) and I didn’t pay attention to the issue until November 2003 when suddenly the Massachusetts Supreme Court ruled in its favor. But, when the ability to marry came six months later, we decided it was the right time. However, we had no desire to mimic “straight” marriages so we planned on a private ceremony.

Getting married

The way it works in Massachusetts is that you get a license to be married first and then you have 60 days to have it solemnized. We went to Boston City Hall,  paid the $50, the woman behind the counter said, “Congratulations,” and part one was over.

We headed to Provincetown, where we first met in 1992. We hadn’t made any plans ahead of time so we went to Town Hall and picked up a list of justices of the peace. We called around; most were totally booked but we finally found one. When we arrived at her house, the phone was ringing off the hook. Her living room was cluttered, cats were everywhere and her father sat in the corner, oxygen tank in hand, smoking.

She suggested we hold the ceremony inside; we demurred and said, “Outside.” She had a cute garden arbor set up. She gave a short speech, then asked us if we had anything to say to one another. We hadn’t even thought of that. (We’re weird.) I stuttered and said, “Uh, I think you’re great and I love you.” Terry’s eyes welled up and he said, “I love you.” And that was it - No wedding day smiles, no walk down the aisle, No flowers, no wedding dress. She made up a nice little ink-jet printed program commemorating the ceremony, complete with George Eliot poem inside.

And, then something happened. Suddenly, I was excited to be legally married. It was fulfilling. It was liberating. It was astonishing. This was real. When the Massachusetts’ legislature blocked a state-wide vote on the issue in 2007, I was ecstatic. When I started using Facebook in 2008 and could check off “married”, it mattered. Oh, and suck on it, Mitt Romney.

It's not easy

Yes, I cringe when I hear or read about couples who go the entire “marriage” route, with engagement periods, dramatic and ostentatious weddings, and name changes. Not my style, at all. And, I really don’t like the term “husband." It’s true, as a friend pointed out, not calling Terry my husband implies that we’re in something different from a straight marriage, but using husband (and wife) to me seems kind of silly. Maybe my views are still evolving, like the President’s.

I’m sure if New York Governor Andrew Cuomo had instead signed a bill allowing “civil unions”, there wouldn't have been an outpouring of emotion as a result, and there would not be a feeling of euphoria in New York City during Gay Pride or across the US.

Having them called marriages is validation of our lifestyle, which of course is what bugs those against it the most. Making gay people equal to straight people is what scares some heterosexuals more than anything (and makes some homosexuals uneasy, too).

And, that’s why it’s important to go full throttle forward, to accept nothing less. Because we are.