A Teen Daughter's First Dance is a Big Step

A community dance is a huge milestone for a teen girl, but
it's even more so for her parents. For the girl it's all about being out with
her friends, being part of the larger social scene, knowing what the latest
gossip is because she’s there, and looking cool with her friends, wearing the
right outfit. In a nutshell, it’s all about being where the action is, and for
once, actually being allowed to do the cool thing.

For the parent it's all about letting go of your little
girl. Your girl is going from the good, sweet, loveable child to the girl who
is hanging out at the dance. Now she’s seen as one of those girls, the ones who
hang around with those kids and do that stuff and it’s not really who she is,
but the peer pressure got to her, she’ll outgrow it, one or two of these
dances, and she’ll decide staying home is best. But what if she likes it? Her
reputation as my good little girl will be changed forever and it’s all those
bad girls’ faults. This is how parents may think.

Here are some tips to help parents cope:

Accept It: Parents need to learn to get a grip on reality. They will learn to accept the fact that their kid wants a life without
them overseeing every second of it. Parents need to realize the more questions
they ask, the faster their kids will shut down like a door on a steel
trap.  The number one course of action
for parents is to recognize that their internal panic is a sign that they are
feeling out of control and that they need to take a step back. They need to do
the opposite of what their immediate urge is. Instead talk it over with anyone
else, other than your kids.

Understand Why You’re Panicking: The panic comes from a place of protection
and fear. Parents need to realize that they cannot protect their children from life’s
realities. Their children have to learn from their own mistakes and that when
they do, their child will actually learn from their mistakes in a way that’s
effective. Learning from mistakes is much more powerful than being told about
them based on someone else’s life.

Allow Kids to Make their Own Choices: By allowing kids to go to the dance and have a boyfriend, and get a license, parents are providing their kids chances
to make and learn from mistakes, while living at home, where they have support
and people that love them to guide them when they do fall, and it won’t be off
a cliff, it will be off a curb and the parents will still be there to catch
them.

Set Expectations: In order to have some control, parents can set expectations and consequences ahead of time, rather than react after. For example, “if you go to the dance tonight I expect to be out by 10 o’clock. If you're not, next week you won’t go to the dance.” That’s it, do not create your own drama by overreacting, if the consequence is there, enforce it, and try not to act upset, it’s not you that’s missing the dance next week.

Dr.Kate Roberts is a psychologist and parent coach. Her unique coaching
practice  emphasizes  state of the art, targeted strategies that
help parents, help their children. Her coaching model helps guide parents
through the maze of technology and manage the unexpected glitches of today’s
ultra crazed, fast paced everyday life. For more information go to  www.drkateroberts.com, https://twitter.com/DrKateParenting,  www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-KateRoberts