Marital Rehab Part II

Occupy Marriage

"It's estimated that only 5 percent of marriages are truly happy and fulfiling unions"

We are the 95%

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It's been a couple of weeks since my wife and I started on the journey of marital rehab. In case you didn't see my first post, I am taking the month off of my usual job as a pastor to spend time with family and to specifically focus on improving the health of my marriage.

Last week we took advantage of the break from work and went on a real family vacation. I am not sure how this happened, but in the 3 1/2 years since our first child was born, we have never gone away as a family for any extended period of time. Thanks to some generous friends we were able to spend 6 days on the cape in a house all to ourselves. The house had no tv, phone, or internet (no a/c either but that's less of a shock in New England). On a practical level, it was amazing how helpful the disconnectedness was in assisting my wife and I reconnect. Like a lot of couples, we have been locked into a consistent pattern of movie/tv watching after the kids' bedtimes because we are so exhausted at the end of the day. Without any alternatives, we managed to have a few decent conversations throughout the week. Although, at one point towards the end of the trip we broke down and agreed to rent a Redbox movie and watch it on the tiny DVD player my daughter uses to watch Yo Gabba Gabba. Thankfully this particular Redbox kiosk was filled with such an awful selection that we decide to play Guess Who and Jenga instead.

Beyond the television, like a lot of guys, I am a habitual smart phone fidgeter and it drives my wife nuts. I try to keep it out of site after work hours (unless I need to find out something important-like what other movies the actress who plays Kate Winslet's mother in Titanic has been in, or whether tomatoes are a fruit, or what time it is in London, or...), but having a week to just shut the thing off and leave it alone made me realize a couple of things. 1. Withdrawal symptoms typically correspond with unhealthy dependance, 2. The world goes on without me just fine. All of this to say, vacation was great and I've continued to use my phone less because of the way it has improved the way I relate to my wife and kids.

So what am I learning about marriage this week? Well, I finished The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason and I am a bit over 100 pages into Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. I have also had several counseling sessions with my wife that have helped tremendously. 

I highly recommend the Mystery of marriage. The book is kind of amazing because the majority of it was written before the guy was married with the final chapter added by the author for the 20th anniversary edition. Rather than a typical "how to" the book is more of an exploration of what marriage is, and why it seems so different from what we had initially hoped. For instance, in the chapter called "Love" he says:

"In marriage one of the deepest and most ethereal mysteries in all of life is demystified before our very eyes. For when we get married, love itself comes to live with us. That thing we have been chasing ever since we were old enough to believe (however naively) that it must or could be sought, has taken off all its clothes and stretched itself out on our very own bed and announced that it is here to stay. Suddenly the thing we believed to be characterized above all else by its elusiveness turns out to be not elusive at all, but just the opposite. That which was unapproachable becomes that which cannot be gotten rid of."

It is astonishing how differently I view my spouse from when we were first dating. While dating we put so much effort towards spending time with one another and getting to be in each others presence. In marriage, we work hard to get time on our own, and we struggle with the feeling that we are losing part of our identity because we have to behave differently around each other. What I love about this book is how the author leans in on the uncomfortable and even painful parts of marriage and finds beauty in them. He does not give five steps to happy homes or the one sure way to make those long term problems disappear. Instead, he says, you are losing yourself in this marriage, two people are becoming one flesh, and the more you realize this the less you will resent it.

"The journey of marriage asks a very simple question of all those who embark upon it. It asks: Can you love another person enough that you will consent to become like them?"

Mason defines love as "a deep, continuous, growing, and ever renewing activity of the will, superintended by the Holy Spirit." (Had you forgotten I am a pastor? Yeah, I said the Holy Spirit, but don't worry.) Love is very much an activity of the will. At my church we've spent the whole summer preaching on 1 Corinthians 13 (love is patient, love is kind, etc.), and one thing that comes up time and time again is how differently we conceive of love today in the world of romantic comedies and Daneille Steel novels. Love is not just some general good feeling you get when you are around another person, it is an active and sacrificial commitment to their well being. The sacrificial part is where it gets particularly hard though. In my first post I mentioned the verse from the book of Ephesians that says "husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church…" That has been an encouraging verse for me during this process because the way Jesus loved the church was by dying for it, and a lot of the time, when I am loving my wife well it feels like dying. 

I wish I could say that just taking a break from work, talking more, and counseling has fixed all the problems we have in our marriage; It hasn't. However, I am coming more and more to grips with my steadfast commitment to my rightness when we disagree. I usually think I am right when we argue, no matter how convoluted my reasoning might seem to an outsider. That means, I am fighting for something that I perceive as good in some strange way, and when I back off of my point, it feels like a loss; It makes me angry and feels unfair. I think "I am always the one that is apologizing first" (By the way, that's definitely not true). However, that is what I am called to do for the health of my marriage and the good of my wife's heart. I am called to give up what I perceive as right and take the hit. That's a tough thing to do whether I am right or wrong, but Jesus was actually right, he was literally righteous, and he laid his life down for me when I was dead wrong and completely against him.  

One last thought from the book:

What is hard about marriage is what is hard also about the Christian God: It is the strain of living continually in the light of a conscience other than our own, being under the intimate scrutiny of another pair of eyes. 

The intimacy of marriage is unlike any other relationship on earth. It can seem oppressive, but that pressure is good; it refines us. It makes us into people we would never become apart from our spouses. Parts of my marriage are difficult, but there is plenty of hope. If you are in need of some encouragement please don't hesitate to reach out. logan@ctkneighborhoodchurch.org