PRIDE: 10 Tips Towards Being A Trans Ally

Hey folks!

It's PRIDE month, so I wanted to share these helpful tips gleaned from this trans@MIT document.  I'm a proud transguy living in JP who happens to go to MIT, but this document was made before my time so I can't take credit.  Scroll down to read the list!

I especially wanted to share it as a resource in response to comments directed at me on a which did a poor job of following tips like these.  Up front, I'm not labelling the group of  pro-Whole Foods folks as transphobic.  The discussions just need some work.  Hopefully folks can take away some lessons to apply to other discussions, and learn from mistakes.

How did my gender come up at all, you might ask?  Well, I put it out there; I played what I called the "transgender card" to ask folks not to use the term "hate speech" in reference to angry statements about more rich people who displace current residents ("I can no longer see my friends when I go to the supermarket. . . . Jamaica Plain is for us, not for the rich people.")  I wanted to suggest that the term should be reserved for use by communities that actually experience intense interpersonal and  institutionalized oppression, such as transgender communities; most white, rich, straigh, cis-gender people do not experience this.

Much later, a commenter categorized me as "gender queer", although I had previously stated that I was transgender and a man, and then clumsily denied doing so ... and it went from there.  I do not feel victimized, nor a martyr by being called "gender queer" (I realized recently that by calling out the "gender queer" labelling and talking about oppression and collective liberation later in the same comment, readers thought that such labelling was the oppression I was referring to, and that similar incidents are why I've felt oppressed.  Nope, I was referring to much more serious things. That's what I get for putting too much content in one comment!). 

I don't think all of the comments that made me feel disrespected were intentional, mainly just very inconsiderate.  I welcome all of the ideas I put forth here and the tone I do it with to be chewed to bits, but not my dignity as a person.  Apologies still accepted :) 

I think if folks who write on this site stick to these tips below (my notes in parentheses), then there can be some great inclusive discussions happening on Patch.  One commenter specifically asked that I not post something like this because they didn't appreciate my tone in the conversation ("Reed. Please do not tell me what it means 'to be a trans ally.'")  I'm not sorry for posting these tips, though, because this commenter disrespected my person.   I'm looking forward to being transgender being a non-issue for me and other trans folks in future participation (in comments unrelated to trans issues).

Finally, The Tips!

Do not tolerate anti-trans remarks or humor in public spaces.
Consider strategies to best confront anti-trans remarks or jokes in your classroom, lab, office, living group, or organization. Seek out other allies who will support you in this effort.  (And it goes without saying, but don't stand by while a transperson is getting beaten in public, like the employees at a Baltimore McDonalds recently did).

Be careful about confidentiality, disclosure, and “outing.”
Some trans people feel comfortable disclosing their trans status to others, and some do not. Knowing a trans person’s status is personal information and it is up to them to share it with others. Do not casually share this information, or “gossip” about a person you know or think is trans. Not only is this an invasion of privacy, it also can have negative consequences in a world that is very intolerant of gender difference—trans people can
lose jobs, housing, friends, and sadly have even been killed upon revelation of their trans status. (I announced that I was transgender using just my middle name; when another commenter linked to my thesis that they dug up, my full name was accessible.  Others could have similarly dug it up, but this is a shortcut.  I hope my address isn't posted.)

Don’t try to tell a person what “category” or “identity” they fit into.
Do not apply labels or identities to a person that they have not chosen for themselves. If a person is not sure of which identity or path fits them best, give them the time and space to decide for themselves. (I didn't say that I'm gender queer, so don't categorize me as such.  Gender queer is a totally fine way to self-identify.  Assigning it to me says that I'm not actually the man I describe myself to be.)

Don't assume what path a trans person is on regarding surgery or hormones, and don’t privilege one path over another.
Affirm the many ways all of us can and do transcend gender boundaries, including the choices some of us make to use medical technology to change our bodies.  Some trans people wish to be recognized as their gender of choice without surgery or hormones; some
need support and advocacy to get respectful medical care, hormones, and/or surgery.

Don’t ask about a trans person’s genitals or surgical status.
Think about it—it wouldn’t be considered appropriate to ask a non-trans person about the appearance or status of their genitalia, so it isn’t appropriate to ask a trans person that question either. Likewise, don’t ask if a trans person has had “the surgery.” If a trans
person wants to talk to you about such matters, let them bring it up.   (The comment described below was the most disrespectful.  I had stated at one point that I wasn't affluent, in response to a comment about my presumed "P C liberal "guilt" over [my] affluence".   At another point, I mentioned that I cannot afford to shop at Whole Foods.  Nobody bought it; how could an MIT student not be rich? I'll explain that in a post to come on privilege and guilt.  One commenter boldly implied that the "elephant in the room" was that I had spent my money on expensive trans-related surgeries, therefore I'm currently not rich but would be if it weren't for the surgeries.  This put me in a position where folks were curious about my income, and in order to satisfy their curiosity I would have to state one way or the other if I had had surgeries.  No one should be put in the position where they are coerced to disclose (potential) private medical information in order to participate in a political conversation.)

If you don’t know what pronouns to use, ask.
Be polite and respectful when you ask a person which pronoun they prefer. Then use that pronoun and encourage others to do so. (A commenter made an attempt at asking politely, so thanks for that.)

Don’t ask a trans person what their “real name” is.
For some trans people, being associated with their birth name is a tremendous source of anxiety, or it is simply a part of their life they wish to leave behind. Respect the name a trans person is currently using. (In the course of picking on people I know with chosen names, a commenter asked me if Reed is my real name.)

Don’t assume you can tell if someone is transgender.
Transgender and transsexual people don’t all look a certain way or come from the same background, and many may not appear “visibly trans.” Indeed, many trans people live most of their lives with very few people knowing their trans status.

Listen to trans voices.
The best way to be an ally is to listen with an open mind to trans people themselves. They are the experts on their own lives! Talk to trans people in your community. Consult the reading and film lists of this Allies Toolkit to find out where to learn more about trans lives.

Proactively support polices that meet trans peoples' rights.               

(I added this one!) Trans people need employment, housing, education non-discrimination protection.  They can no longer be abused in prisons, denied access to homeless shelters, or criminalized as sex workers.  One commenter did note that trans people have limited access to comprehensive healthcare.  Healthcare plans need to be inclusive of hormone therapies and trans-related surgeries.  I fortunately do have such a healthcare plan, but I'm campaigning so that others also may.

Thanks folks!  HAPPY PRIDE!