Parenting A Boy: Stick to the Basics & Don't Believe What They Tell You

Bo, our 4 ½ year old, is typically a sweet guy - unless he’s hungry, tired, cold or over-stimulated.

You would think that it would be relatively simple to keep him happy. Just feed him, get him to bed, keep him warm and don’t offer too much stimulation. But this is harder than you’d think.

Here’s why.

Like most young children, Bo is terrible at self-reporting. That means if you ask him if he’s hungry or tired or cold, he’ll tell you no. If he’s REALLY hungry, tired or cold and you ask him, he’ll say NO! (That’s always a good clue.) And if he’s a combo of hungry, tired, cold and over-stimulated, then watch out. We have a monster on our hands.

Take today for example.  Bo was positively buzzing that two of his favorite (and older) friends Mia & Em were coming up to NH from MA for an overnight visit. He had it in his head that they were going to play and play and play at our house, even though they also came to ski.

Bo merrily skied for a few runs with them and then started exhibiting somewhat funny behavior. He threw a tantrum about going down one run. Jamie and I chalked it up to “only child syndrome” – Bo wanting to be the boss and not being willing to consider the skill level or wants of the entire group. (Bo does have a big brother Nick, but since he’s 17 years older, he’s more of an additional parent.) Tears and cajoling got us down the mountain.

On the next run, he threw a tantrum about going on a different lift. Jamie and I went through our usual litany, “Are you hungry? Tired? Cold?” He assured us that he was fine.

On (what turned out to be) the final run, he had a total meltdown. “I want to go home!” he said. “I want Mia and Em to come with me!” After explaining why that wasn’t going to happen (they had bought lift tickets for the day), he dissolved into tears.

As Bo wailed on the lift up to the top, Jamie pulled off Bo’s gloves, which were soaking wet, and discovered that Bodhi’s hands were near frozen. “I’m so cold!” Bo cried. After a lecture on needing him to tell us when he gets cold (which fell on deaf ears) and strategizing how to get him off the mountain and warm quickly, we headed home.

That’s when a bit of mama guilt kicked in. Here Jamie and I were judging Bo for being bratty when really he was getting hypothermic. That’s when I recalled two words of wisdom that can lead to better parenting from vastly different sources.

The first was from an experienced salesperson at the ski shop who gave us some tips about selecting ski boots since kids were notoriously bad at self-reporting how they fit. Likewise, I realized that Bo doesn’t have the self-awareness of when he’s feeling out of sorts until he is majorly out of sorts.

Once we got Bo out of wet clothes, warmed up with hot chocolate and warm blankets (although his hands where still ice-cube like), I asked Bo when he knew that he was cold. “Not until we were on the chair lift.” Ahhh… so he had been getting cold for multiple runs but it wasn’t until he was freezing that it actually registered. Note to self: don’t believe what he says.

The second piece of advice was from a dad who wanted to simplify parenting boys for moms.  He suggested that boys feel basically three emotions: mad, sad, or happy. His advice was to give them lots of hugs as needed but don’t go searching for lots of meaning or try to spend tons of time talking out their emotions (a tendency that he claims moms have and works for daughters, but not necessarily for sons). Hug ‘em and send them on their way.

I’d modify his set of emotions to mad, sad, happy, or hungry. From my observations, Bo becomes mad or sad much more quickly when he is hungry or tired (or in this case cold). Feeding him does wonders. Putting him to bed at a reasonable time, the same.

Today, when we threw in the additional excitement of having two playmates in the mix, I can see now, in hindsight, we arrived at our blow-out. Once I let go of being embarrassed by Bo’s “bad” behavior and forgave myself for projecting all sorts of reasons beyond taking care of his basic needs, I was able to help restore his internal balance (a snack, dry clothes, and a cuddle did wonders). I became a little more patient as he figured out how to navigate the stimulation of having his friends around and having to share his toys and space with them.

Lo and behold, once well-fed and warm, my sweet boy returned.

Thanks to Mike Meyran for bringing Mia and Emily up. Check out his blog

Meghan Gilroy is a transformative life coach in Marblehead, MA. Contact her at www.meghangilroy.com or meghan@meghangilroy.com