I've Got Your Back...

I am in childs pose. Knees and seat spread. Belly and breath surrendered to earth. I chant an open Ooooooommmmmmm.  I wrap the guttural sound around my low back and pelvis. An offering to all the people and all the experiences that have come before this moment.

I hike the mountains and listen to Mos Def (lyrics below). I have the urge to walk this hairpin path backwards so I turn and stumble over rocks and roots. I see the road I’ve traveled so far and am surprised at how winding it is. Surprised to see I’ve already moved so quickly from where I began.

I stand in the cold Pacific facing the shore. The water is rough and I feel uncertain as the waves creep up on me. My legs are numb and I want to run out of the water. I barter with my fear, promising to stand with my back to the incoming waves for at least seven waves. An offering of letting the unknown in. I realize I’d have to travel backwards around the entire globe to get to my roots in Brooklyn.

I’m in Target trying on a bathing suit in a three way mirror. I had forgotten all about that eagle tattooed on my back. I realize it sits over the one herniated disc I have on my spine that has brought me much pain over these years. The eagle image came from a ring that used to belong to my grandfather that had been stolen from me. To my 23 year old self at the tattoo shop in Miami, it represented freedom. Ironic, now it reminds me of the place where I get stuck.

I sit on my shins in vajdrasana and practice a meditation technique called chaotic breathing. Is as it sounds, no rhyme nor reason in my breathing pattern as I move my body chaotically. A few minutes in I feel my low spine release and with it the image of my 6 year old self running through the woods with a swarm of bees following me. I feel my dad’s hands, warm and wide covering my little back with lotion. I feel it, he loves me.

Not all memories of him sting.

My spinning teacher ends each class by having us pedal backwards for a few minutes. We do this to unwind. To release.

Today I do this as practice–moving towards my past stronger, with gratitude and humility.

I tell my students not to try so hard to sit upright during seated meditation. I say, “relax into your body. you don’t have to fight to hold up your spine. Trust that your spine is holding you up. Like the poles of a tent, let bones support you. Allow your skin and muscles and organs to drape like fabric. Know you are supported”,

“I’ve got your back”.

some lyrics to “My Life” by Mos Def

“My whole life is real, my whole life is ill
A fantastic, a beautiful mess…
Well do this: MOVE!
Back, forward, move
Life is real, let’s move on…
Life goin in every direction but rewind…
So real, too real, news real–edited
The close up block out the rest of it
True evident, false measurement…
Scribe lively, so timely,that is timeless
And is lovely, and is ugly, as it must be”