National Stepfamily Day - Steps for Living in Step

For many thousands of years the stepfamily was bemoaned. It was a mischief, a monster to avoid, it was dealt with by put downs, denial and discounts.

The Stepfamily Foundation (www.stepfamily.org) was formed in 1975 to change that mentality and help this growing group of families. The not-for-profit is still responsible for organizing research, providing counseling and training professionals. In 1997, that the United States finally declared September 16 as National Stepfamily Day to recognize and show appreciation for the importance and value of stepparents and extended families. Mostly celebrated with a picnic at a park, it has slowly gained recognition and popularity since it’s inception. Today, the U.S. Census estimates about 50% of families are some form of stepfamily.

Through the years, I have counseled and coached thousands of stepfamilies to successful relationships. And in honor of National Stepfamily Day I’m offering up some basics tips and rules for anyone currently struggling to make it work.

· Build “Couple Strength.”

· Initially avoid displays of affection in front of the children.

· The couple comes first (after you are married).

· The couple recognizes that the stepfamily will not act like biological family.

· It is OK to have discussions about rules, regulations, discipline styles, job descriptions, use of time, energy and money, etc.

· The biological parent disciplines his/her children and the stepparent says, “As you know your Dad/Mom and I have decided, in this house we...”

· The couple must maintain their positions as male and female heads of the family. They cannot allow the children to dominate.

· The couple in the stepfamily takes responsibility for creating a predictable and consistent structure of events, manners and responsibilities for in house and visiting stepchildren.

· Make sure meals with the children are not child-centered chaos and teach kids good manners.

· Plan visitation as good co-parents (exes), parents and stepparent and avoid chaotic episodes where the child is caught in the cross fire between ex-spouses.

· Do not bad-mouth the prior spouse, it disparages half of that child’s identity and lowers their self-esteem.

· Ask for counseling from professionals trained to treat stepfamilies.

· When in doubt, laugh!