Climate Change

An attempt at *The Onion*'s style

Natick, MA (2017-04-14)

The Non-Union of Landscape Workers vehemently denies the allegation that gas-powered leaf blowers are the primary cause of so-called climate change.

This reporter walks his dog every day through the neighborhood to the north of the railroad tracks which run along the route of the upcoming Boston Marathon. This morning, he and his wife walked past a house where five landscape workers each wielded a gas-powered leaf blower to remove the winter's collection of twigs and dead grass blades from the quarter-acre property. It sounded as if he were standing at the end of a busy taxiway where a group of small prop planes revved their engines while awaiting their turn at the runway. There's no airport here, just a "quiet" residential street.

It isn't really summer, though the Metrowest Boston region has had temperatures in the 90s already, and Easter Sunday is predicted to suffer the 80s. As a veteran New Englander, this reporter expects it to be at least seasonably cool through June. Despite some days in the low 60s, April is a big, hot disappointment. If it isn't humans and lanscapers with their rake substitutes, and the far louder modern sound of the blowers which is causing these unseasonable temperatures, this reporter is VERY unhappy with Mother Nature.

Only a few houses down, there is also a crew who are framing a new duplex house where a single-family house used to stand. They are currently firing nails into the plywood panels for the roof.

Then a bit further along, there was some sort of truck backing up with it's easy-to-hear beeping signal.

And finally, the reporter got back to his own street which is a residential shortcut for all those who wish to get an advantage and avoid the traffic light at the main crossroads of town.

This reporter is not sure that he clearly heard a single bird's song for the entire loop of the walk.