The Date Night Myth

Date nights have been touted as a great relationship pick-me-up. Too little time, too little patience, too little connection and intimacy? Rekindle and reconnect with date night, so the thinking goes. There’s only one problem with this advice. It’s wrong. Research has shown again and again that date nights do little to improve or sustain a happy relationship. Here’s why…

Say you want to improve your diet. To do so, you decide that for most of the week, you won’t do much to change your current diet. You’ll still eat fast food and sugary snacks and eat vegetables only when it’s convenient. But once a week you will prepare and eat a really healthy meal.

You probably figured out you won’t get very far with this plan. The reason is that a healthy diet requires ongoing attention and efforts on a daily basis. Healthy eating is a lifestyle, not a weekly event.

The same holds true for healthy relationships. Couples who are happy engage in ongoing efforts to support their relationship throughout their week. Research has found that happy couples engage in relationship-enhancing behaviors at a much higher frequency than unhappy ones, often multiple times of day. These behaviors can occur in a matter of seconds…a kiss or hug in the morning, or a text that says, “I’m thinking of you”.

These behaviors called “emotional bids” are crucial for building and sustaining intimacy. Their frequency is the best indicator of whether couples are happy or not. These emotional bids can come in many forms: an expression of interest, “How did your presentation go today?” empathy “I know you’ve had a tough week. Is there anything I can do to help?” appreciation, “it was a big help that you picked up the kids yesterday,” and physical affection. Just like a healthy diet, sustaining a healthy relationship is a lifestyle, not an event.

Don’t get me wrong. Date nights can be a wonderful way for couples to spend time together. They are a good way to enjoy a good relationship, but they don’t do much to make a relationship good.

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