A Three Hour Tour: Gilligan Meets Pheeny's Island

“……we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender….”  ~ Sir Winston Churchill 

Battle lines are being drawn. Nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong. Thus begins, For What It’s Worth, the classic siren call touting the turmoil and social change of the sixties; an anthem for an entire generation. 

It’s now 2012, and it seems that battle lines have again been drawn; not over anything as momentous as radical social change and rioting in the streets; not over an unjust war in Southeast Asia, nor the horror of the killings at Kent State. Nothing as newsworthy as the trial of the Chicago Seven, but over something as insipid as a tiny piece of emergent land mass known as . 

Please don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean to minimize the importance of the debate that has Norton split into camps as well-defined as those during the little skirmish in 1861 that tore our country down the middle, pitting brother against brother, father against son. 

But the rhetoric is a tad over the top, don’t you think? Have you read the comments generated by of this debate? It’s crazy! The personal attacks are contemptible! Of course, it’s easy to be insolent and brazen, attacking whomever and however you like, when you hide behind a pseudonym.

Come on people! Have some huevos! If you’re going to engage in name-calling, at least use your real name so those you attack know who you are. Cowardice is an ugly thing! And if you don’t have enough integrity to be forthcoming, maybe you should keep your mouth shut! 

As I said in my response to the article, , I have no dog in this fight. I don’t live in Norton and the fate of this project will have no effect on my life. Honestly, I couldn’t care less what is done with this obscure little chunk of terra firma. 

But the attacks bother me! The ignorance bothers me! The insolence bothers me! I invite you to prove me wrong, but it seems that the vast majority, if not all of the verbal attacks have been generated by those who are in opposition to this development going forward. 

Again, I have no druthers as to which outcome prevails here, whether it be for or against this project, nor do I portend to have enough information to make an intelligent decision either way if I were involved, but I’m absolutely appalled by the process as it’s being addressed on this forum. It’s no wonder there are wars! 

I think I may have a viable plan or two that may help alleviate some of the angst generated by this dispute. 

First of all, I would suggest renaming Pheeney’s island. And what better name to lighten up this squabble a bit than Gilligan’s Island? See, you’re smiling already. We can do this! 

Since ‘The Skipper' is known for being ‘brave and true’, I’d suggest he be played by your Town Moderator, . Regardless of whether one agrees with his opinions, Bill seems to generally try his best to be the voice of reason in these rather impassioned deliberations. He takes a lot of heat, and since ‘skippers’ don’t shy away from difficult tasks or challenges, I feel the role of ‘The Skipper’ is ideal for Bill. 

I understand my choosing Bill as ‘The Skipper’ annoys the heck out of some of you, which was another determining factor for my doing just that. You may disagree with my choice, but there’s not a thing you can do about it. This is my fantasy and that’s how it’s going to be. 

And what would Gilligan’s Island be without its most important character; The Skipper’s blundering little buddy, Gilligan! I know there are some who are thinking I’d be ideal for that role. I see your point. That would be a perfect example of type-casting. 

Like Gilligan, I always have good intentions and genuinely want to be of help. And of course, like our bumbling little friend, by interjecting myself into the situation at hand I generally make more of a mess of it despite my best efforts to help.   

But as perfect for the role of Gilligan as I may be, I’m afraid I’ll have to withdraw my name for consideration. As General William Tecumseh Sherman said, “If nominated, I will not accept; if drafted, I will not run; if elected, I will not serve.” 

I can only imagine what Gilligan would do if given the daunting task of resolving the great debate about the future of Pheeney’s Island. 

Perhaps he’d resolve the issues regarding disturbing the existing wildlife on the island; the bald eagles, otters, little green squiggly things, multi-colored arachnids and such, by allowing deer hunters to comb the island in search of whitetail, shooting anything that moves. Hmm! Why does that sound familiar? 

Or maybe our rambunctious little buddy could intervene on the problem of transportation to and from the island in case of a medical emergency by backfilling the entire reservoir with pea gravel, thereby allowing unfettered access and egress to . 

Or better yet, in a moment of brilliance heretofore limited solely to the fertile minds of elected government officials, Gilligan may choose to raise the island up on jacks and transport it to Fulton’s Pond in Mansfield, saddling them with the problem as payback for the millions of gallons of sewage Mansfield has pumped into the reservoir in years past. 

I’m sure that in his infinite wisdom, Gilligan could come up with something that would appease the masses. 

Maybe the island could be used as a landfill, or a site for a nuclear power plant, or perhaps a prison. Or a bridge could be constructed from Route 140 to the island and it could be used for VIP parking for the . 

How about using the island as a location for ? That way the next time a fist fight breaks out the scuffle can’t spill out onto the streets endangering innocent passersby. 

The possibilities are endless! 

I have one question. Which one of you is Gilligan? 

Make it a great week! 

Bob Havey is an Easton-based freelance writer and a consummate trouble-maker. His column, The Way I See It, runs every other Wednesday on Norton Patch.