The Collaborative Divorce Process Teaches Clients New Skills

These days, there are a variety of processes to choose from when seeking a Massachusetts divorce.

Only one presents opportunities for clients who are divorcing to develop new skills while they are moving through the process. Even after the divorce process is completed and the agreement has been signed, collaborative clients can use their new problem solving and decision making skills to live more successful lives, going forward.

Collaborative divorce stands out among the divorce process choices because by fully engaging in the process, clients can learn how to resolve their own conflicts and make better decisions, set realistic personal and family goals, and explore what is truly important to them for living more successfully in the future.

Other divorce processes can inadvertently encourage clients to focus on past wrongs and resentments rather than helping them to move forward. These may not produce agreements that work well for families or individuals or that allow for much flexibility in meeting the growing needs of family members. The collaborative process encourages clients to grow and develop and to work productively through the divorce process with a future focus.

I was recently reminded of how well the collaborative divorce process works in producing really good divorce agreements that work for both clients and for their families. In a recently completed case, the clients arrived at the "divorce negotiation table" with a clear sense of defeat, failure, and deep disappointment. The air was filled with unexpressed anger and hurt which seemed to leak out into the room via their snippy comments, impatience, and an unwillingness to even try to see the others' point of view. Clearly, we were not off to a good start, but the professional team pressed onward.

The attorneys and I worked diligently and creatively in hopes that we could offer our clients an opportunity to move away from angry maneuvers and resisting change toward productive problem solving. Our hope was that, in time, they would stop fighting and then transition into a new and successful co-parenting relationship.

As the work progressed, the clients softened a bit. They began to see that continuing to tussle was not going to help either of them to achieve their ultimate goals of creating a happy, healthy environment in each of their residences for their children to grow up in and of being able to move on as individuals toward more successful personal lives. Slowly, the focus shifted away from continuing to blame and hurt each other toward working productively to build better futures for each of them.

How did this get accomplished?

A good deal of the work was focused on helping these clients identify short term goals for their children (i.e.-to stay as happy and healthy and unaffected by the divorce as possible, to preserve and strengthen their loving and close relationships with Mom and Dad) as well as their longer term goals for the family (for the children to continue to enjoy nurturing relationships with grandparents and extended family, to have consistency in the rules and structure between their two homes, and to help the children succeed in school). Next, each client's shared personal goals (ie- to live in a comfortable and safe environment, to have financial stability, to pursue their career while also having time/energy for enjoying family life, friendships, and hobbies) were articulated.

As property was divided and issues regarding child support, the disposition of the family home, and the parenting plan were discussed, personal and family goals were frequently reviewed and used as a guide for all decision making. Because these goals were kept front and center, they were incorporated into the work to create an agreement that was custom tailored to this particular family's needs. One that both clients could agree on and live with and that would allow flexibility and meet the family’s ever changing needs.

Because the coach and attorneys on this case were well versed in the collaborative model of teamwork and empowering clients to make their own, best decisions, these clients were assisted in working through a variety of difficult issues that would not have been addressed with such sensitivity and privacy in other divorce processes. The professionals on the collaborative "team" actively demonstrated good listening skills as well as practical techniques in generating creative problem solving ideas to address the needs of the clients and their family. As a result, each client was able to leave the divorce table with more than just a fair and workable agreement. They also gained new skills in creative problem solving and learned to listen to each other in a different, more effective manner because they had engaged in this process.

In this and many of the other collaborative cases I have had the good fortune to work on, the outcome was a "win-win" one for both clients and their children. Each was able to let go of past hurts and resentments in order to work constructively and get enough of what they felt was truly important through the collaborative divorce process. Both clients gained new perspectives on how they could communicate better and negotiate effectively through difficult issues. These will serve them well moving forward, both in their individual lives as well as in their new relationship as co-parents.