Learn to Love Your Shame: Part 2

“When we let go of who we are – we become who we might be.” Lao Tzu

(Please read part 1 before reading this post.)

My friend then went on to challenge me, saying, “I know all this … I have all the tools, I just don’t use them.” She made an excellent point which begs the primordial question: Why is it that some people can consistently partake in mindfulness based practices,  reap the benefits from them, while others do so
for some time and then stop? Is there perhaps something missing in their toolbox?

As a yoga teacher, I have certainly “fallen off the mat,” so to speak, and I don’t always practice the clinical skills that I teach my clients. But knowing that life is not about perfection, and that we always have the choice and the chance to begin again, when I come back to my center, I appreciate my “practices” even more.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been thinking about this “rapprochement” (coming and going) with mindfulness practices and loving your shame. One possible answer to the missing toolbox question came to me while I was reading Healing ADD by Daniel Amen, MD. He quoted a NIH study done by a brain imaging specialist and psychiatrist, Mark George, which stated neutral thoughts have a neutral effect on the brain, positive thoughts have a positive effect and negative thoughts … yes, you guessed it … have a deleterious effect on the brain. 

However, there’s a silver lining here as he went on to say that negative thoughts also have a stimulating effect on the brain. Negative thoughts give some people the adrenaline rush they need to focus and accomplish tasks. Imagine that? I’ve always believed that most unwarranted behavior has an underlying benevolent albeit misguided intent.

So often when people stay “stuck” on negative or shameful thoughts even when they are using “their tools,” it’s a sign of a deeper problem - one that exists on a biological level. And although yoga and meditation have been clinically
proven to help correct brain chemistry, sometimes more help is needed. When the record player in your brain keeps skipping in spite or your best efforts, the unfortunate recipe for shame is in the making. But remember: this is just a
part. And this part needs your attention and most likely the attention of your
doctor or a psychiatrist. The right medication, combined with proper nutrition, psychotherapy and positive social support can do wonders and heal this part.

However, biology aside, another way to think about “rapprochement” with mindfulness practices and shame is just by examining our essential human nature. As human beings we exist in opposites. We can’t know what light is without dark, joy without pain, love without heartbreak. Think of the Tao Te Ching and all of it’s famous paradoxical quotes (e.g. “When we let it all go – it all gets done” or “When we let go of who we are – we become what we might be.”).

On the one hand, we are creatures of habit. We generally sleep in the same bed at night. We often eat the same kinds of foods for breakfast. Most go to work at the same place daily and see the same people. This is important as structure and routine help us feel grounded. On the other hand, human beings also need novelty, and some more than others.  

If you happen to be what Helen Fisher calls an “explorer,” then you need change and add some excitement - more so than the average person. And even though mindfulness based practices help give people the insight on how to shake things up in their lives, without acting on those insights, off the mat they come.

Julia Cameron, author of The Artist’s way, encourages all her readers to take a weekly “artist’s date.” We could also call it for the purpose of this post an “explorer’s date” or a “wake and shake” date. The task at hand is to take one hour a week for yourself to do something adventurous by yourself. ( I can already
hear the resistance – and yes, you can make time to do this.) Your date could be anything such as going to see an art exhibit, or flying a kite or trying that restaurant you’ve always wanted to try. But you do it by yourself – which is paramount to the process. This date is a way to nurture that part of you that needs excitement and stimulation. What happens when couples stop going on
dates? Their relationship suffers. If you don’t acknowledge this part – then it suffers, too.

Your date doesn’t need to cost money – it just requires that you commit  to spend time with it. It’s another new tool to add to your box, one that could help you remain consistent with all your other tools.

So why not give it a try and commit to an “explorer’s date” weekly for the next
month. It may just change your life.

Maura Matarese, M.A. LMHC, R.Y.T is a licensed psychotherapist and yoga instructor.