The Importance of Negativity

Negativity gets a lot of bed rep, and for good reason. Gone unchecked, it adds to stress, physical ailments, weight issues, bad tempers and so much more. 

However, think about it for a moment. Without shadows there would be no art. Without the negative there would be no photography. 

Without the night we would never see the moon, the planets or the stars.  And if you pause for another moment, a baby growing in the womb sees absolutely no sunlight for 9 full months. 

We need the negative for development in all kinds of ways. The key here is to know what to do with the negativity once it hits you.  You don’t want to ignore it, push it down, compartmentalize, or shout, scream, hit and break things. Once in a while all of the above will help, but they are ultimately destructive methods of dealing.

So, one way that I’ve found profoundly helpful is to receive it.  To allow the anger, anxiety, worry, sadness, or other negative feeling that hit you, to be just as it is.  Through allowing, you remain present, have more of a clear choice, and begin to see the purpose of having negativity to begin with.  The purpose being to become present to what is going on within you, so that you can be present to those you love. This presence can diminish stress, self-negations and fights with others.   It can bring more calm and peace to your life, and this can lead to health, success, and meaningful, spirited relationships with others.

However, doing this work, does require some imagination and lots of inner work and self-talk.

In order to receive your feelings you need to do the following:

*See each feeling as a separate being visiting your body. Each feeling has it’s own set of thoughts.

*This “Being” can stay for as long as it needs to. Ousting it out will only make the feeling stronger.

*Name and locate the feeling. For example: “I feel anger in the center of my chest.”

*Once you have named and located it breathe right into it.

*Imagine you have an energetic/soul body as large as your home so that the feeling has plenty of room to become the size and shape it needs to be.

*Once you begin to breathe into it, say things  like, “ Anger you are welcome to be in my body.  You can now take the shape and size you are meant to become.” Breathe and accept.

*Notice thoughts like, “This is nuts. I’m too angry. I can’t do this.” Treat these thoughts kindly and validate. ‘Yes, I see you think it’s nuts. Yes, the anger is intense. I get you can’t do this.” And keep breathing.

*Remember, there is a calm, quiet place within you that is not touched by these feelings. 

The more you observe and allow, the more you will be able to feel that state of calm no matter the tumult around you.

Below, I describe  the most recent anger provoking experience I had using this method.

My wonderful adult daughter, Sarah just left for Mexico City for two years to teach 2^nd grade in a private American school.

On her last day here at home, her father, Mike, she and I decided to go down to a state park in Carver MA. It advertised a fresh water pond and places to hike. I was looking forward to taking my mile long swim on such a hot day.

But first we were going to stop in Randolph so Sarah could get her hair cut by her favorite hair-dresser.

Sarah loaded all of her luggage into my car. . She had an early morning flight the next day and she was going to sleep at Mike’s in J.P.  as he lived much closer to the airport.

The drive from Groton to Randolph was a breeze taking 90 minutes. Sarah and I joked the whole way down, looking forward to our day, to exploring yet another beautiful MA. state park.  Mike met us in Randolph about 15 minutes after we arrived.

However, no sooner had Sarah sat down for her hair cut, than the hairdresser called me over, indicating Sarah wanted to talk with me.

“Yeah,” my daughter said turning her big brown eyes toward me, “I forgot my computer at your house.”

“Okay,” I said. And the anger rising right through my chest, up through my neck and into my head was enough to burn down a building.  I took deep breaths, and told the anger it could stay and become the size and shape it needed to become. I invited all of the thoughts to come forward as well. I began to see it as a separate person living inside of me.

As I continued to breathe and allow, I noticed how disappointed and angry Sarah was in herself.  As I listened to all of the negating thoughts flooding through me, I could also allow for Sarah to have her self-deprecations.  Not an easy task, for sure. However, as I kept at it, I realized that I didn’t have to stop any of it. The action I was taking was the allowing for both of us to have our anger and frustration.

Remember, the purpose of this exercise is to become more present. The presence connects you to yourself and to those you love in a kinder and more peaceful way.

“Dad’s really going to be mad, “ she added.

The anger grew, and I kept breathing. I reminded myself that there was a calm place inside of me that never experienced this type of rage.   “You have a right to stay” I repeated to the feeling ballooning within..  “You can be as large as you need to be.” I imagined my energetic body expanding to allow its presence.

Sure enough, Mike was piping angry, and couldn’t stop swearing and screaming once we left the hairdressers.  I kept breathing. I was now upset with him for not having more control. But I said to myself, “he has a right to be angry too. I can’t stop it. I can’t create peace. The anger is present.” I was even able to observe the thoughts I had of him as judgments that were directly connected to my anger. I could have shouted back, but knew it would only create more of the same. The less I reacted, the more I could observe both Mike and myself. I was able to see that his and my frustrations were one and the same. 

And when I saw this, I began to accept  the rage within me on a deeper level. I saw it as an energy that had to pass through me, and the only way it could do that, was for me to keep observing it. I clearly saw again that its voice and what Mike was expressing were one and the same. The more I could accept this within myself, the more I could accept it within Mike and Sarah.

When Mike was calm enough to talk we thought of a plan that would mean leaving the park earlier.  We then decided to take two separate cars to the pond, as driving from the park to Randolph again would be way out of our way.

Leaving Randolph, I followed my GPS to 495S and Mike followed his directions to 3 S. Sarah came with me.  She was beating herself up the entire way and I knew I couldn’t stop her. I kept allowing my own disappointments to stay, continuously acknowledging them, imagining the anger and annoyances as separate beings inside me, vying for attention.

And I kept breathing. Only to find out that 495 S was going to be 17 miles of bumper to bumper traffic.

Squirming, the frustration levels rising even more, I decided to turn around and take 3 S. instead. But we hit as much traffic there and the day grew worse and worse.

We kept Mike waiting over an hour, and he was ready to leave by the time we got there. 

Sarah and I convinced him to stay only to find the trails blocked off, and swimming kept to one small rectangular space that held all of the little children who were probably peeing like crazy as they played in the water. By some rule I couldn’t understand, you were not allowed to swim across the lake (about a ½ mile) and so after being in the car for three hours, I couldn’t relieve my tension through a long, refreshing work out.

The rage boiling now, I kept breathing through it, sitting on my lounge chair sweating, with closed eyes.  I heard myself say, “I can’t do this anymore, I just can’t. I have no outlet, no ability to swim or walk.  I validated the voice. “OF course you can’t,” I seethed.  No matter how boiling, no matter how huge, you still have a right to be here. You may stay as long as you like.” I allowed my body to shake, my head to hurt, and the sun to acutely beat down on my shoulders and neck.

I pulled out my cold, delicious salad, and felt the food go all the way down, nourishing my scathing blood and aching bones.  We stayed long enough to eat and made plans to meet in Concord for dinner around 6 pm.  Refreshed from food and water, it took 2 hours to drive home, arriving back in Groton just in time to pick up Sarah’s computer and meet Mike for dinner at Helen’s in Concord Center.

Tears from exhaustion fell down my cheeks from behind my sunglasses as I drove.  In the midst of my silent crying Sarah offered,  “Mom, you were amazing in the way you handled all of the  crisis today. I saw you breathing through them. Even in the car, when I was so angry, you were calm and yet I knew you were listening to everything I said. I felt heard and accepted. I would love to be able to do what you did some day.”

The tears flowed even more.  You see, I wasn’t expecting this at all. Yes, if I had been aware of anything else, it would have been that I was proud of the way I had handled the day’s situations, but at that point I couldn’t even begin to think that way. Even less so, I had had no idea of the effect my actions would have on my daughter.    As I cried harder, gratitude for the day’s stress flooded through me.  I thanked it again and again for showing up, for without it, I would not know the amazement I was feeling in that moment and I would have never experienced Sarah’s precious remark to me. But even more important, unbeknownst to me, I had been a role model for her all day. If she could take this learning to Mexico City, then wasn’t all of that stress worth it?  And worth more than I could ever possibly imagine?

Dinner was delicious, and the three of us ended up taking an evening walk up to Monument Park just off of Concord Center. Crossing the bridge, we looked down and across the river, drinking in the history that took place there.

“I always want to go Europe,” Mike said. “But really, can anything there beat the beauty we have right here? I mean look at the place.”

The area was more quiet than the cooling air. The sun was setting.  Orange and red rays hit the darkening water, the trees, and the deep leaves.  Other visitors dressed in white, light pink, green and purples were staring at the statues reading the plaques describing the battles there.

Whatever emotions had visited me that day had melted, left, receded. New emotions were coming in, gentler ones of peace, calm and gratitude.

They too are Beings and will stay as long as they will, and then the next storm of negativity will hit again and then I’ll feel the calm come forward, and so it will go on for eternity as it always has in just about every one of us. The truth being, that these feelings exist within each one of us all at the same time.  But they ebb and flow, as it would be way too difficult to feel them all at once. One feeling at a time is enough!

This type of work isn’t easy, but like a hard work-out, or a long day in the garden, the effort is priceless and well worth the struggle.

To learn more about Molly and the work she  does please visit MollySalans.com and Constellationsatwork.net

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