Seasonal & Holidays
Zombie Apocalypse Would Eat Detroit Alive
Of course, there's no evidence that a zombie apocalypse would ever be a real thing. But if it were, Detroit would be so screwed.
DETROIT, MI — So sorry, Detroit, you’re screwed in the improbable — we’ll even go so far as to say totally fictitious and made-up — event of a zombie apocalypse. There is some good news. Detroit should be able to contain an everyday flesh-eating virus.
Other than that, Detroit has almost zero chance of defending itself against hordes of the walking dead. Ditto on curing the virus. But no matter. Chances are Detroiters would starve to death first. Tney’re pretty much zombie food.
We’re just having some Halloween fun. We don't make this up — they do.
Find out what's happening in Detroitfor free with the latest updates from Patch.
They are thefolks at CareerBuilder, who took some time out from helping Americans find jobs to put together the Zombie Apocalypse Index, which scored cities’ chances of survival against the zombie apocalypse based on the concentration of occupational skills and industries. The eight different factors in four categories:
- Ability to defend against the virus
- Ability to contain the virus
- Ability to find a cure
- Ability to outlast the virus with an ample food supply
Detroit ranked 44th, down from the 2015 ranking of 41st.
Find out what's happening in Detroitfor free with the latest updates from Patch.
The Zombie Apocalypse Index is a weighted index ranking of the 53 largest U.S. metropolitan areas. CareerBuilder pulled data from Emsi, its labor market arm, which aggregates information from more than 100 national, state and local employment resources.
CareerBuilder says its index should come in handy, given another completely practical finding — 36 percent of workers said, if they were a zombie, they would eat their co-workers.
If you really want to survive a zombie apocalypse — and, do you if the world is suddenly overtaken by the walking dead? — you should move to Boston.
The top 10 safest cities are:
- Boston, Massachusetts
- Kansas City, Missouri
- Salt Lake City, Utah
- Baltimore, Maryland
- San Diego, California
- Seattle, Washington
- Denver, Colorado
- Virginia Beach, Virginia
- Hartford, Connecticut
- Minneapolis, Minnesot
Definitely don’t move to these cities, because they’re more screwed than Detroit is: Chicago, Illinois; Tucson, Arizona; Buffalo, New York; Atlanta, Georgia; Miami, Florida; Riverside, California; Los Angeles, California; and Tampa, Florida.
And the absolute worst place to be in the event of a zombie apocalypse? New York City, baby.
Happy Halloween.
Patch file photo by Beth Dalbey
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