When I turned 21 . . .

I mentioned yesterday that I found some old (mostly blank) journals from the period of my life when I was told I needed to journal to be a good Christian.  Thankfully I now know that is not true at all, which is good because I am horrible at journaling!  In the mostly blank pages, there were a few interesting entries and I want to share one with you.  Below is the journal entry I wrote on the day I turned 21 – many, many years ago.  It is a great blessing to see the many ways God has worked in my life, and it is also convicting to read about areas of my faith where I continue to struggle.  I pray that you will be encouraged in our own faith, and that you will pray about how you can let Him love you and what you can turn over to Him in your own life.  (Btw, I have not changed anything, including punctuation and grammar because I wanted it to be the ‘real’ thing and not an edited version, so please bear with me on this.)

“I turn 21 today!  It’s a scary age, 21.  There are so many places that I wanted to be by the time I turned 21, and I’m not really at any of those places.  I guess that just goes to show that my plans and God’s plans aren’t always the same.  I wonder if I would be in a different place if I didn’t fight Him so much and really let Him be Lord of my life.  I had a long talk with Karen (an InterVarsity staff member) last night.  She told me that I need to stop doing and let God do.  That I need to let God be Lord of my life.  That it’s not about me, and what I need.  It was really hard to hear! 

Her main point through this was that I need to let God love me.  My only problem is that I don’t know what that looks like.  How do I let Him love me?  Today Chris (the lead InterVarsity staff person) gave a talk on letting God see our wounds, not just the bandages we show the world.  And not only see them, but touch them and heal them.  That we need to be real with Him about our feelings/emotions and our sins.  Hello!  Direct correlation to what Karen and I talked about, and that scares me.  That is usually a big neon sign by God telling me I need to work on that.  It also tends to be a warning sign of more things to come in that area.  Usually those things aren’t easy to deal with.

It is God knocking at the door wanting in.  Like Chris said, to have an effective prayer life you have to let God in so He can mess with you and remodel you.  Those signs God gives me usually are saying “be prepared, construction to begin shortly” and frankly, it scares me.  I know that when I let God in, I lose control.  I am no longer in charge and He goes wild doing what He knows needs to be done, even though it may be very painful for me.  But I know that in order to grow I have to let God in and let Him remodel whatever He needs to, and trust He knows what He is doing.

Too much to do and no enough time.  I know I have to stop doing and let God do it, but it’s so hard.   I don’t know what to give to Him.  I know we are supposed to give all to Him, but I mean what I supposed to let Him do instead of me worrying about it.  Lord, please be guiding me to know what to give to you, and what to do after I do give it to You.  You have blessed me so much, help me to take advantage of it, and give control over to you!  Amen.”

God bless, Rev. Liz Arakelian, www.LivingHopeEC.org