When your loved one needs help but doesn’t want it

By Dolly Moiseeff

We all want what’s best for our loved ones and – heaven help us – we often know exactly what that is.

So when Mom or Dad say “no” to our grand plan for them, we are stunned.  We don’t know what to do.

Well, for starters, I can tell you what NOT to do.

Don’t:

Force the issue

Put pressure on them

Avoid them

There is a plus side to this. Here are a few things you can do to convince loved ones they need help.

1. Listen. Where do they want help?

2. Ask a question. Have a conversation with your loved one and ask a few questions. Perhaps their health is failing and you think they need a little help around the house. Ask how they would feel about having an aide come in to help with simple chores and perhaps fix a simple meal or two.

3. Probe. Ask more questions to determine why they don’t want help. Is it lack of privacy? The fear of losing their independence? Not wanting a stranger in the house? The cost?

4. Find some options. Let them choose a day or two they would like to have some help. Emphasize the help an aide could give and how and aide can relieve some of the pressure of responsibilities.

5. Recruit others. Sometimes another person (not YOU) can have more influence and convince your loved ones to accept help.  It might be a doctor, a neighbor or a longtime friend but certainly someone your loved one trusts.

6. Slow is better. Work an aide into the schedule slowly. Perhaps you can all meet for coffee, then plan a few short home visits before a full time schedule is put in place.

7. We all have limits. Learn what yours are. If your parents or loved ones are not endangering themselves, you may need to leave them be for a while then start at step #1.