The Art of Asking 'What' Questions

One of the most useful and practical skills I learned in my counseling classes is the art of asking "what" questions. It is the one skill I use in almost every area of my life: parenting, career advising, marriage, etc. Most of us are in the habit of asking "Why" questions when a "What" question would be more helpful.

When we ask someone a "why" question, like "Why don't you like that?" or "Why are you feeling so sad?" it may imply that we are looking for a deeper psychological reason for his or her feelings or thoughts; as a result, the answer to these questions is often, "I don't know." This can be extremely frustrating when our desire is to help and guide our children, friends or clients, but our questions are left unanswered.

Instead of continuing with this line of questioning, try changing your "why" questions into "what" questions. For example, "What about this don't you like?" or "What about this makes you feel so sad?" There is a very subtle difference in this type of question, but it gives us good, practical answers that often lead us to the deeper insights we need. Oftentimes, the listener can answer these types of questions with one or two reasons. This opens the door for more dialogue and perhaps even some answers.

I often use "what" questions in my career advising. The other day I had a student tell me about his part-time job laying tile. He said he sort of liked the job, but he didn't want to pursue it as a career. Instead of asking him, "Why don't you want to lay tile," or "Why didn't you like the job;" I asked him, "What about laying tile did you dislike?" I also asked him, "What part of the job did you enjoy the most?" As a result of asking "what" questions, he identified that he enjoyed the creative design aspect of laying tile, but did not enjoy the actual physical part of placing the tiles.  This discovery about himself will help him in narrowing down his career choices.

The next time you are helping someone sort through a confusing situation, feeling or decision, save the "why" questions for later and use some "what" questions to help identify the key issues.