Taking Refuge, Part IV: The Power of Sangha (Community)

“We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood (God.)” –Step 3 of Alcoholics Anonymous

In the languages of Pali and Sanskrit, fellowship and community is called sangha. When we take refuge in sangha, we decide to give relationships with others a chance. The venerable Thich Nhat Hanh says, “When a sangha shines its light on our personal views, we see more clearly. In the sangha, we won’t fall into negative habit patterns. Take refuge in your sangha, and you’ll have the wisdom and support you need.”

Beautiful Buddhist texts talk about sangha as a group of people living in harmony, “beings we turn to for support, encouragement, and teaching.”

My life experience was quite different. I learned about relationships in my family of origin, which meant they were cruel, disappointing, and scary. I walked through life holding my breath, waiting for the next explosion, betrayal, or loss. When people said nice things to me, expressed their care or affection, not much of their warmth got in. My heart was sealed off for protection and survival. Taking refuge in the sangha, for me, was a conscious choice to build relationships with people. I wasn’t capable of feeling trust; I had to decide to trust.

The fellowship of the Twelve Step program was my first taste of a sangha-like community. I was accepted without judgment. People were kind and giving. We had a common purpose—staying sober and practicing the Twelve Step program, hoping for greater serenity. I began to experience what Buddhist teachers meant when they said community brings “peace and happiness to life.” With love and understanding, my heart began to soften.

Taking refuge in sangha is a decision to learn how to do relationships differently than we learned as children. Relationships are a profound crucible for personal growth. For people with addictive personalities, this often means learning to be less self-absorbed, more aware of our effect on others. For people with codependency difficulties, it may require developing boundaries, taking in and taking on less of other people’s feelings, needs, or blame.

Even now, when someone is angry with me, my stomach clutches. Thoughts like What did I do wrong? Or Why is he or she treating me like this? pass through my mind. In days past, I would strike back, yell louder than the other person, or say nothing but work myself over later with self-criticism. Mindfulness has helped me to temper my responses, at least sometimes. Other times, I am aware after the fac that I need to make amends. Try again. Aim for progress, not perfection.

Thorny relationships and difficult people are powerful teachers if only we dare say yes to the lesson. Taking refuge in sangha is a decision to be open to learning from others—difficult people, kind people, or wise people. Once we open our heart to sangha, we realize that we are not a separate bump off to the side of life. Rather, we are part of a whole web of interbeing—a state of connectedness. When we see this, something inexplicable happens.

Community co-arises.

Thérèse Jacobs Stewart, M.A., L.P., has been a practicing psychotherapist, meditation teacher, and international consultant for more than 28 years. She is the founder of St. Paul’s Mind Roads Meditation Center, which integrates contemplative practices from both east and west and serves as home of the St. Paul chapter of the Twelve Steps and Mindfulness meetings. For more information about her center and teaching schedule, click on www.mindroads.com