Plan for the Empty Chair

Holidays like the 4th of July are often the most difficult time for persons who have lost a loved one in the past year. The absense of that person, at times of great ritual and family togetherness, is often the real "elephant in the room," something everyone is aware of but no one talks about.

One of the gifts that my parents gave to me at the time of my marriage was a bit of holiday advice. They said "Don't feel that you have to come home for holidays; now that you are a couple and thus a new family, establish your own traditions. We will see you at other times." At the time I thought this was strange advice, and there were times when we did spend the holidays with either my parents or Rob's parents. But, now that both sets of our parents are dead, I see the wisdom in this advice and the freedom that it granted, because I do not miss my parents more on holidays than on other days. I still call my sister on Mother's Day and I still think about my father on his birthday, but their absense does not basically affect my holiday celebrations.

However, you may be in a situation in which you always go to Grandma's for the holidays. If that is so, and grandma is getting up in years, you might well suggest that you mix it up a bit. Talk to your sibblings about hosting the family gathering at different homes. After all, it may be increasingly difficult for grandma always to be the host. Or perhaps you family would like to spend the holidays at Myrtle Beach or Banson. Perhaps you could consider renting a hall if your family has outgrown a single home. When I was pastror of a church if was not uncommon for a family to rent our fellowship hall for family reunions. Or maybe you are at a point where you want to avoid cooking all together; meet at a restaurant, or tell everyone bring hordevours and fancy desserts. However, you can mix up traditions will make it easier for your family to continue to enjoy the holidays after Grandma has died.

But what do you do if you have not made any changes at the point that Grandma or another family member dies. My best advice then is to acknowledge the loss that everyone is feeling and set an empty chair at the table. This will honor the memory of the one who has died, and it will encourage people to talk about that person, to tell stories about them, and to laugh about the funtimes. That will help everyone to move through the grief process as a healing process.

But setting an empty chair can have another meaning and can be a source of gratitude for the gathering and for all of the ways that we are blessed. In Jewish tradition an empty space is always set for Elijah at the Passover Seder. The reason is that Jews traditionally look forward to the return of Elijah to usher in the Messianic Age . But that expectation is only part of the tradition: if a beggar comes to ask for food, or if an unexpected guest should arrive, or if a stranger knocks on your door, that person is invited to sit in Elijah's chair for we never know when we might be hosting angels in disguise.

I  love the tradition of the empty chair and I think that we might do well to always set an extra place to remember ones who are absent because they have died, because they are in the military, or because they are distant. It will help us remember the blessings of all who are present.

Happy 4th of July, Dori