Out of the Spotlight

Here’s something: I guess I don’t really like attention.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I enjoy being ignored, I just don’t care for massive amounts (or even small portions) of eyeballs staring at me, conversation flowing about me, or fingers pointed at me.

It’s like this: I don’t tend to handle compliments very well (which my friends point out constantly), I get nervous performing or speaking in front of people I can see and as much as I want to be good at things, I don’t know what to do when people tell me I am. Good, I mean. Sometimes writing this blog is difficult enough, not sure what response I’ll get or who is reading. I keep doing it because I enjoy it immensely and people have told me they needed to “hear” what I wrote.

In other words, I’m a bit of a dork.

This is something I’ve really been trying to work on, this busting-out-of-my-shell thing. I have a friend who is leaving the country for a missions project for, oh, the next eight months. I miss her and we were in a music ministry group together, so I thought it would be nice to do a song together at Open Mic Night .

I don’t do Open Mic Nights. I set-up, I help out and I watch, but I do not perform.

And, you bet it, I was freaking out the entire time leading up to, during, and after the song. It was fun and I am certainly glad I forced myself to do that, but I was scared.

Genuinely, legitimately scared.

It’s lame, isn’t it? I know it is. But I feel that God is chipping away (slowly) at this hard-encased self I’ve built. It’s terrible, thinking about the things I used to do with ease of mind and now I’m reclusive in those realms. I still enjoy those things, but it takes a lot more for me to get out there and actually do them. It’s too…well, scary.

But I am constantly surrounded by friends and family who are so encouraging. Their talents are enjoyable to me; I love seeing how they use them. I have friends who rock at music, know how to lead, can make anyone laugh, can craft things together, can teach children, can plan out to the tiniest detail, can draw, can cook…I could go on. It’s a part of each of their lives, both what they can do and what they cannot do.

“For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.” – Romans 12:4-8

What if each of us hid our gifts? What if we pretended we didn’t have them? What if we were too afraid to use them?

Guilty as charged. While I’m still trying to figure out my strengths and weaknesses, I could never find out either way unless trial and error ensued. Our lives are about handling both accomplishments and failures and processing them to the glory of God. If we keep everything we’re given in a musty old shoebox underneath our beds in the back corner, it doesn’t do anyone any good – not even ourselves.

I'm praying I will humbly and gratefully bust out that metaphorical shoebox, and that I will be there for other people who need to do the same.

Things I’ve wanted to be “when I grow up” at some point:

1. A dance teacher. Not a ballerina, although that was involved. I wanted to teach.
2. An astronaut. I know, typical, right? I had an obsession with outer space and I wondered about it a lot.
3. An actress. I love movies. When I was little, I pretended I was characters in the movies all the time. Like Belle or Nemo from “Little Nemo” or Jasmine or Harriet the Spy or something. Because cartoons are real.
4. An author/writer. This one has significantly stuck with me. Once I started reading chapter books on my own in kindergarten, I wanted to write books on my own, too.
5. A meteorologist. My fear of thunderstorms got me interested in weather. I wanted to learn about it so I knew when a storm would be coming, but I also liked to pretend I was the one telling everyone what to expect.
6. A musician. To any extent, I would have been pleased. I used to write songs and I still love to play and sing.
7. An artist. From illustrator to graphic designer, I still would like a taste of this.
8. A sports announcer. I love to watch sports and love baseball enough where I sometimes thought I could pull it off.
9. A youth minister. Who knows? Maybe this is in the future somewhere.
10. A journalist/photographer. Yup. Here we are. This has been an interest of mine for ages, and it has also caught on to me. I’m not sure this one will ever let go.

Well, who knows? Is anyone out there all grown up yet?