Faith: 1, Life: 0

It has been two months now since I last sat down to write. Due to a severe life-attack, I have had neither the time nor the energy to compose anything worth reading.

I sometimes wonder if I am creative at all when I go so long without producing, but the truth is, life can just suck it all out of you. All effort and abilities go full-force into day-to-day activities. Then I really wonder what it would be like if I wasn’t creative. How on earth would I survive?

The last few months have been incredibly stressful. School started for the boys and for me. I said no to any extracurricular activities for the boys, despite much tantrum throwing, once I realized my two classes were much more reading and writing intensive than I first thought they would be.

October also marks the beginning of the fiscal year for Starbucks and so wrapping up the year and kicking off the new one have eaten up huge chunks of my time and stamina. And then one of my supervisors unexpectedly went out on medical leave, indefinitely, so for the last two weeks, I have been two people.

And then I got a call from my ex-husband to let me know he was being laid off from his job and my child-support, which is one-fifth of my income, would be stopping until he found a new one. 

Did you take any breaths while reading those paragraphs? Welcome to my life. It is a miracle of God that I have not lost my mind. Seriously. People ask me, “How do you do it?”

I generally answer with, “You just do what you gotta do” or “I don’t think about it, I just do it” or “You know, you just keep getting up in the morning."

But honestly, it’s faith that is the underlying support. It’s not something I ever really thought of before, but as I have grown spiritually, I have found I am capable of withstanding so much more pressure, so much more gracefully. 

I’m not sure how my kids see this yet. I don’t know if they understand the frenzy around us and what it takes emotionally and mentally to deal with it. When they look back on their elementary school days, will they think of me as a crazy person, running around with a worried look all the time? Or will they think, “Man, those were the days. We played outside and listened to music and read books with Mom.”

And while we attend church very regularly, will they, do they, know that that is helping? It’s hard to explain that to a kid. Heck, it’s hard to explain that to grown-ups. It’s difficult to put into words trusting in the help of someone you can’t see. So many people doubt that it works. But, I think my life is an on-going example of how it does.

If you break it down, there is never enough time, there are never enough right answers and there is certainly never enough money. Nevertheless, it works. If it never convinces anyone else in the whole world, it’s proven to me that my faith is real. And, I hope, it will shine bright enough for my kids as well.