Dealing With Tantrums and Telling Your Child "No"

In a recent issue of Parents magazine, a mom offers her advice on how to deal with children’s tantrums. She writes, “Instead of saying ‘no,’ which usually triggers a tantrum, I try to give a positive reply. If my kids ask, ‘Mommy, can I have a cookie?’ I’ll say, ‘Of course you can—right after you eat dinner.’"

Several things bothered me about this advice. What stood out to me above anything else was that this woman appeared to be avoiding telling her children “no,” almost as though she was afraid to do so. She justifies this by pointing out that she’s trying to stay positive, even adding a scenario to illustrate her point.

Am I the only one who thinks it’s still OK to say “no” to a child, particularly your own child? And furthermore I believe it’s necessary to say “no” to your child in order to discipline them, show them love, and earn respect.  Maybe I’m just an old-fashioned mama.

When a child asks if he may have a cookie, why in the world would you try to think of ways to stay positive and remain on neutral ground so to speak? Just tell him “No, you may not have a cookie.” That’s part of being a parent. It’s part of being an authority figure in your children’s lives! It’s what will make them hate you on really tough days, but hopefully respect you in the end.

My parents told me “no” all the time when I was growing up. And most of the time, even though I’d never have admitted it, I knew that they were doing it because they loved me. To be honest, if they had acted like they were walking on ice around me, timidly trying to tiptoe around the issues at hand without actually addressing them or saying “no,” I would not have the respect for them that I do today.

Now let’s get to the tantrum part. Tantrums, I’ve discovered, are inevitable. I think as parents, we all say, “Oh not my child. He would never throw a fit like that.” But then inevitably, we’re all humbled on some very challenging day at the store, usually when a nap has been missed or a desired toy is not purchased. And low and behold, we realize that our sweet little angels are indeed capable of throwing tantrums. My own sweet son has done it, too.

But does this mean that we should be afraid of it happening again or do all that we can to avoid triggers to tantrums? Now I’m certainly not saying we should get our kids riled up and test them to their limits all the time. I’m really not that mean of a mom, I promise. But nor do I believe that we should avoid certain phrases, certain aisles in the store, or even certain routines, just to make sure that our children do not throw tantrums. This is changing and evolving our entire routine just to avoid a possible outburst from our children. In my own opinion--and I do understand that many disagree with me--I believe it’s much more effective for all parties involved to nip it in the bud, so to speak. The first tantrum that’s thrown should be addressed immediately in whatever form of discipline you feel is appropriate. Even if it means leaving your cart in the middle of the store and evacuating, running to your car and driving directly home. Do what you must to show your child that tantrums are not OK. This leaves YOU in charge, instead of giving your child the upper hand.

More importantly, it is preparing your child for the future. They will hear the word "no" an awful lot as they get older. They might as well get used to authority when they're young. In school, they will be told that they cannot do certain things. When driving on the road, they have to abide by specific rules. They will be told "no" all the time by college professors, by bosses, you name it. So really, by telling our children "no," aren't we essentially being responsible by preparing them for what they will inevitably be facing their whole lives? Otherwise, we're just raising a bunch of self-entitled kids who are going to have a very, very rude wake up call when they hear the two-letter word that they don't like. Just my 2 cents as a mom. And a young one at that.

Which leads to my question. When is telling your children "no" a beneficial thing and when is it not?