Moms Talk: Your Child's Development and Hitting Milestones

Both of my sons have hit their developmental milestones just a tad late. They both rolled over late, crawled late, and Caleb (my oldest) walked when he was 13 months, which I think is pretty average, but was still considered late, according to many of my judgmental mommy friends.  

Whoever invented these proverbial milestones I’m still not sure, but somehow they’ve caught on and stuck. Furthermore, they have been engrained in the minds of parent educators and especially proud mamas.

If, for instance, one’s child happens to crawl, walk, or talk, before the average child does, the opportunity arises to proudly share this news with others. This is perfectly acceptable, and, in my mind, completely normal. But there is a fine line that is often crossed in these scenarios, in which mommies of “advanced” children might choose to brag. And this is when the cookie cutter “average” mommy--all us mommies of kiddos who crawl and walk at normal or late ages--can either respond to these bragging moms by laughing it off, or feel absolutely horrible about our own kids.

The bottom line is, when all of the kiddos who hit their milestones “late” are in college hitting the textbooks, or saying their wedding vows, or holding their own sweet babies for the first time, I’m pretty sure no one is going to care that they walked a few months later than the average child. Really, let’s be realistic here. Unless we’re dealing with a severe developmental disability, children all get there eventually. They all walk when they’re ready. They all talk, even if it may take some extra help. And judging them or their mommies because of these minor delays is not only inappropriate, but just sad and pathetic.

Because Caleb was my first baby, I compared him to every other child his age. I was devastated when he did not roll over at the same exact age as other children. But, the women I was spending time with were fixated on their children’s abilities, and found much of their own identities in what their children accomplished.

When a friend’s daughter started walking at 8 months, she made sure I knew how proud she was of her daughter. At first I was extremely excited and proud, rejoicing with her. I felt joy and beamed with pride. As our conversation progressed my heart began to slowly sink. Many of her comments made me feel bad about my son who was older than her daughter, but certainly had not walked at the same age. My friend would say things like, “Babies are never happy until they are mobile,” and “Until they’re walking, they’re just waiting to walk. It’s important to work with them every day and get their leg muscles working.”  

Some other friends would even have the nerve to say things to me like, “Oh, he should be walking by now,” or “He should definitely be talking by now. I’d get him checked out.” It made me feel like my child was an incomplete, imperfect mess.

After a little while, I began to grow tired of the comments of the mommies I was around. I quickly realized that it was important for me to switch to a group of friends who were accepting, loving, and supportive of me and my children. I am potty-training Caleb right now (who will be 3 in July). He also has a severe speech delay. I love hearing new words that my friends’ children are saying, but I still have to be careful about not comparing my little munchkin to other children his age. He is his own little person, and he’ll get there.

My younger son Jacob just turned 9 months and is still not crawling forward. He gets around in his own special way, whether he scoots, rolls, or crawls backward. I am much more at ease this time around. I am able to enjoy each new little thing my children do now, instead of constantly feeling judged by those who enjoy reminding others that their child walked or crawled just a few months earlier.

Again, sharing these milestones with friends is a wonderful thing and something I love to hear from others--don’t get me wrong! I just don’t like being held to a standard. It is my humble opinion that the standardized “milestones” have put us in a danger zone, placing pressure and stress upon us as parents, making us afraid that if we don’t meet these “standards,” we’re just not good mommies.

I don’t like being told that my child “should” be doing certain things by a certain time, but maybe that just makes me an old-fashioned hippie. Maybe we should hop on board with the pirates from Pirates of the Caribbean and make the rules “guidelines.” These milestones, in my opinion, just fuel the fire for mommies who love to brag about their children and make themselves look like they’re better mothers than everyone else.  

So this leads to my question. Do you find it frustrating when friends share news of their children’s “firsts?”