Parents Talk: Breaking Breast Cancer News to the Kids

Be prepared for all kinds of inquiries but here’s the main question most children will want to know, “What about ME?”

Then, “How will my schedule change?” “Will you still have time for me?” “Is this my fault?” “Am I going to get it?” “Will I lose my hair, too?”

Even the most compassionate children, who will surely want to know that their parent is going to be OK, will want to know the impact the disease and treatment will have on them, said Marsha T. Oakley, nursing coordinator at The Hoffberger Breast Cancer Center at Mercy Medical Center in Maryland.

“It’s good to be positive and to let them know as much as they want to know,” she said.

Breast cancer survivor and author Lisa Klenoshek agrees. Her daughter, Zoey, was 4 when Klenoshek was diagnosed three years ago at age 41.

“She knew right away and wanted to know why there were pink ribbons on things and why I was getting gifts when it wasn’t my birthday,” Klenoshek said.

“I had to think fast! And think like a bright 4-year-old. So, I just told her that I had some bad stuff in my body that the doctors were going to take out,” she said.

Zoey seemed OK with that answer and promptly asked her mom for a Pop Tart.
Honesty at an age-appropriate level is important, she said.

Klenoshek wrote a book, Zoey’s List of Love: A Sweet Breast Cancer Survival Story, that touches on some of the words involved with breast cancer – surgery, chemotherapy, radiation—and their effects.

“I hope my book is helping parents talk to young kids about cancer. My story touches on hair loss and fatigue, which are common during treatment.”

Among the lessons Klenoshek learned: Kids want to help, too. “Zoey was always bringing me fluffy pillows and giving me extra hugs.”

It’s important to tell children soon, but not too soon, after diagnosis. Children sense stress and change, but grown-ups should be calm when they tell the kids – so they can be prepared for an emotional or inappropriate response, Oakley said.

Many cancer institutes like the University of Michigan’s Comprehensive Cancer Center offer coloring books, kid-friendly books and brochures. Experts there suggest telling kids under the age of 3 that mommy has a boo-boo or that mommy needs medicine, while preschool kids tend to focus more on concrete concerns, like the side effects of drugs and making sure cancer is not contagious.
Older children want to know more about the treatment plan and that their lifestyles won’t change much. Teens want to know about survival rates, treatment plans, side effects and genetics.

Also, it’s good to let the other adults in the child’s life be in the loop – teachers, coaches and youth leaders—and to suggest another adult as part of the support team, Oakley said.

“And don’t forget gratitude, optimism and faith,” Oakley said. Kids do better with a positive outlook.

Oakley is a two-time survivor, and her children were 5, 9 and 11 when she was first diagnosed in 1986. “There wasn’t nearly the information available back then. The pink ribbons are so prevalent that children are more familiar with breast cancer now.”

Oakley said her children were concerned about her and gave her extra love, but they also wanted to know who was going to take them to their soccer game or help them with their homework.

There are help lines and support groups for families, caregivers, children and teens, including Cancer Support Community of Greater St. Louis, Kids Cope  and Kids Konnected.