Celebrating the End of Birthday Season

I carried the specially requested, ordered, decorated and purchased ice cream cake, with candles burning in the shape of the number 39, from the kitchen, surrounded by all five of our kids. As we finished singing  “Happy Birthday” to Stephen, a few steps from the table, Maya, my 12 year old, inexplicably blew out the candles. The room went quiet and I was furious. Who does that? Who blows out someone else’s birthday candles?

As Paul Lines points out in his blog post, “How to plan holidays and celebrations in a blended family," handling special occasions in a blended family is a unique project. Stephen and all three of his kids have June birthdays, which makes the month of June not only logistically and financially daunting, but emotionally challenging as well.

We haven't established any firm traditions for celebrating birthdays. Sometimes our kids have parties with their school friends, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes my kids attend Stephen’s kids’ parties; sometimes Stephens’ kids attend my kids’ parties. I have always had a family party for Stephen on a kid weekend, but never a party for any one of his kids since their mom is in charge of that. I like the fact that there aren’t hard and fast rules, because with so many birthdays at once, some flexibility is important.

This year, we planned a very successful fancy brunch that we called, “the brunch to celebrate all the June birthdays." We went to the revolving restaurant, Top of the Riverfront, at the Millennium Hotel in downtown St. Louis. The combination of the changing skyline, moving floor, and a delectable and elaborate selection of food made for a very happy group.

Aside from the brunch, we all attended Stephen’s girls’ parties (one at a skating rink, one at the YMCA), and Ian had a small sleepover at his mom’s house. Stephen and I each bought each kid a gift, although I think it would be nice to give a combined gift next year. We have learned that it is important to give gifts of equal value to each kid, because they will compare—even months down the road—who got what. By the last celebration of the month, there was some palpable birthday fatigue for all of us.

When I asked Maya why she blew out Stephen’s candles, she said she was upset because at her birthday party in February, we didn’t have birthday candles, and I used what I had—matches—as candles. They didn’t work very well, and it was clearly a Big Mistake. From her perspective, Stephen’s cake, and more importantly my effort to give him the perfect cake, made her feel like I loved him more than I loved her. 

And this is the crux of the issue. Any effort to throw a birthday party for a loved one rests on the desire to show them that they are loved. Among our kids, it’s also an effort to show they are all loved the same—whether the birthdays are days or months apart—because fairness is the single most divisive issue among them. 

 We haven’t mastered it yet, but we’ll give it another try at the next birthday party.