Real Stepmothering

There isn’t a weekend with all five kids that I don’t think about my stepmother. Diane inherited me and my sister when we were 5 and 8 by marrying my dad. She was in her early 20s and had not yet had children of her own.

Cream rinse, Granny Smith apples, rug hooking, the importance of a thank you note, how to use a napkin and cut one’s meat, and how to fold flour into brownie batter are just a few of the things Diane introduced me to.

She sewed amazing, elaborate clothes for us, including a traditional Scottish kilt for me that I still have and a pair of forest green velvet dresses for which she made muslin dresses first to make sure the velvet dresses would fit. But it wasn’t easy for any of us.

Now that I am the , I have begun to appreciate what it must have been like for Diane. That I was in my forties with children of my own before living with someone else’s children is a major difference between our situations. But, beyond that, I am certain that she felt some of the things that I now feel.

You do not immediately love them. They do not immediately love you, nor may they ever. You are rivals for the same person's time and attention. You may be a target for their unhappiness about their parents’ divorce. They do not act the way you expect children to act.

Diane has, for years, sent packages of holiday decorations, treats and crafts to my kids from my dad’s and her home in Wisconsin throughout the year. For birthdays, there have been presents for the birthday child, and “unbirthday” gifts for the kid who is months away from their own birthday. I have always especially appreciated the Valentine’s box because Maya’s birthday is on February 10, and I never have any energy left for Valentine’s Day. The Valentine's box has often been the celebration. My kids, who don’t know Diane well, have always squealed with delight when the boxes arrived.

A huge box arrived last week for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Diane hasn’t met Stephen’s kids, but this box’s volume of cupcake, cookie fixings and decorations was higher than in past years, likely taking into consideration our higher number of bakers and eaters. Maya baked the cupcakes this afternoon, eventually letting Quinn and Cameron help frost and decorate them. We will bake the Christmas cookies from the box in the coming weeks, store them in the new “Cookies for Santa” ceramic gingerbread cookie jar from the box, and eat them or put them out for Santa on Christmas Eve.

Diane sent me an email a couple of days after we received the box, letting me know that this is the last one. She said, “This package is my swan song—I've had lots of fun doing them, but I'm kinda running out of steam. And we won't be doing un-birthday presents next year—I figured the start of a new year would be a good time to make the changes. I don't like people who make changes without saying anything, so I just wanted to give a heads up.”

Only a mom would know that setting expectations is half the battle. Thanks for everything, Diane.