A Storm of Controversy

On May 21, the story of baby Storm and Storm’s parents, who have decided to keep the gender of the baby a secret, flooded news publications. The couple, who live in Toronto, Canada, announced to family and friends in an email that they had decided not to disclose the gender of their baby as “a tribute to freedom and choice in place of limitation…”

Storm’s parents have allowed their other two boys complete freedom in choosing toys and clothes. Their older son, Jazz, often prefers to wear his favorite color pink and trades haircuts for long braids. Jazz, his parents said, has often endured negative comments for his choice of appearance. 

The original story inspired endless comments about the delicate balance between what our children choose and what is chosen for them. Concealing a child’s gender, in reality, is a step further than allowing them freedom in choosing their clothes and toys among boys’ and girls’ sections, but is possibly a distinction of a third option—a non-gender. 

While my own children fall into distinct gender stereotyped lines without any limitation of toys on the part of my husband and me, I was curious whether other people had a strong reaction to this topic. 

My sister, who lives two blocks from me, has two grown children and loves to talk parenting with me as she watches me navigate through the early years that are now far behind her. When I mentioned Storm’s story to her, she laughed and said that when her kids were little, they were not given any boundaries on the toys they chose. But her daughter, Kate, gravitated to girly toys like Barbies, and her son Joe ripped the heads off the Barbies. Their play was distinctly different. 

My friend Kerry offered the unique perspective of a person who is a mom but also a therapist. Kerry and her husband decorated their daughter’s room in a gender-neutral way and registered for many blue items, despite confirmation via ultrasound that they were expecting a girl. The reactions from friends were often comical, with people insisting that they must have been confused when they chose their daughter’s layette. 

Kerry also highlighted the double standard that exists in the gender nature versus nurture debate. While boys are ridiculed and taunted for wearing pink or wanting to share their sister’s nail polish, girls are never treated the same way. Girls are free to play trucks and climb trees and they proudly wear the name tomboy.

Just Friday I was at the playground with a friend and heard a parent yell to some boys to “stop screaming or people will think you’re girls!” 

The few times I have seen my kids do things that seemed more in line with the opposite gender, I have not felt any reason to change their direction, nor have I felt any need to draw anyone’s attention to it to make a statement about gender. When my one-year-old daughter plays cars with my son in favor of dolls with her big sister, I instead think how cool it is that she has a brother who shares his cars with someone who slobbers. 

Storm’s parents may draw attention to gender, but that may be all they do. Concealing a child’s gender may not allow them additional freedom in choice, but instead paralyze the child with the world’s eyes watching closely to see if they choose pink or blue, cars or dolls. The secrecy surrounding his or her gender does not downplay it, but instead draws undue attention.