Learning to Say No

I’m dying here. Not literally, of course, but my whole mommy scene is crumbling because I struggle to utter one very simple word: NO.

You have the same problem, I know. All of us moms seem to find ourselves up to our elbows in to-do lists, and few of the tasks have a direct effect our own families. We’re baking for the church potluck, agreeing to watch our friend’s kids while she goes to a meeting, and picking up decorations for the class party.

All of these things are part of being in a healthy community, and I strongly believe in being a contributing member when it comes to my friends and everyone else we come in contact with.

But every now and then I can tell that it’s gone too far. I’ll get an email from a church staff member asking for childcare workers or PTO newsletter asking for volunteers and I break into a cold sweat and start to cry. I think, “I just can’t do all of this!” Suddenly, I’m typing out a ridiculous four-paragraph explanation as to why I couldn’t possibly spare two hours of my time this week.

Sound familiar? When I start making a small request into a drama that rivals daytime television, I know I’m in too deep somewhere in my life. It may be that my kids are tossing every item they try on, but don’t actually wear, down the laundry chute. Or it may be that I’ve scheduled a play date for every weekday morning, forgetting that I tend to need a couple of free mornings just to clean my house and keep organized.

A problem all of us moms fight is the squeaky wheel. When we bought our house, we moved close to church on purpose. We love being only three miles away from its location on South Lindbergh. But that can be a temptation to overbook. It’s so close! Why wouldn’t we go/help out/commit?

But some of my wheels aren’t so squeaky, but they are quietly needing my attention. One of my grandparents is in a nursing home, and generally only eats a good meal when a family member is present. She sometimes doesn’t even remember my name, so she certainly isn’t asking me to come.

Another grandparent recently moved into an independent living situation close to my house. While he is settling in well and making friends, I want to honor him by making him a priority in my life. He doesn’t have the same physical needs as my grandma, but he lived far away during my childhood and I think both of us think there is some catching up to do.

My kids and husband never squeak, exactly, either. I may plow, full speed ahead, not realizing until we get past a busy season that temper tantrums and other misbehaviors might have been related to my tasks taking time from my kids. And my husband gives me the green light for whatever I want to do, waving me out the door to give me outlets of fun and opportunity outside the house.

I don’t believe in dropping everything to be a stay-at-home mom. My kids need to know that they are not the center of the universe, so I drag them along for a lot of things that have nothing to do with them. And I want a life that is bigger than keeping our sippy cup collection clean and accounted for.

I wonder where the balance is. I want a full life, but not at the risk of kids who feel pushed aside and tears in my eyes over my to-do list. Right now my gut is telling me to pay attention to the less-squeaky wheels, because they tend to be the ones that need my time the most.